Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spotlight on my junk mail

From: Houlihan's []
To: Smokey R []
Date: Wed, Jan 23, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Subject: We Messed Up


From: Smokey R []
To: Houlihan's []
cc: Jesus Christ []
Date: Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Subject: Re: We (Meaning YOU) Messed Up

Dear The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's,

Yes, you certainly did "messed up" all right.

I can't even begin to tell you how insulted I am by the baseless and fraudulent misrepresentation you have perpetrated on me and the entire Houlihan's-cuisine-buying population - at least, those of us who live outside of the handful of teacher's pet regional markets where your new seasonal menu concept is being tested. This is a violation of trust, and to ask young men and women, to ask old men and women, to ask African-Americans, Native Americans; to ask Americans to simply dismiss it and continue to patronize your establishments would be a humiliation of the highest magnitude.

I received this email on January 23rd of this year. So great was my distress, however, that I have been unable to form a cogent response until now, more than a month later. For a while, I held out hope that this was yet another chestnut from the vast reliquary of practical jokes in the Houlihan's Headquarters of E-Mail Goofdom in Athens, Georgia. But, as I have discovered in each of my numerous subsequent trips to your local franchises, this was not a joke at all.

You have sinned against your customers, and against the American public. Indeed, you have sinned against your very God. You have, perhaps irreparably, besmirched the esteemed name of The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's. And your shoddy attempt herewith to cover that besmirchment with a simple apology is, well, shoddy.

To be blunt, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, I hate you.

I am not an unforgiving person, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, as members of the Republican party, or any of my numerous ex-girlfriends (except Mary, that bitch) will tell you. Nonetheless, I find myself unusually hard-pressed to get past this. It seems to point to something larger and more sinister. There are ominous underpinnings here, perhaps foreshadowing something altogether more evil than merely a breach of consumer trust. I'm not sure yet if I know what I'm saying, but I'd lay all the money in my pockets against all the money in yours that YOU DO know what I'm saying, if you know what I'm saying.

In light of that, I feel that I have a responsibility to bring your transgression to the attention of the public by writing this letter to you, and by publishing it on my blog. I bet you didn't even know I had a blog, did you, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's? That's what you get for failing to properly research and understand your demographic - that and an unquenchable controversy over mis-sent email about a seasonal menu. Rest assured that once news of this hits the internets, and once word of this letter is popularized by a viral YouTube campaign starring an animatronic horse, a talking fish, and Nalts, no one will ever go to Houlihan's again ever. I wish I felt some remorse about that, but I think we both know that you brought this on yourselves.

Best of luck in your future endeavors, except for the ones relating to restaurants - particularly those with experimental seasonal menus that are only being tested in hand-picked special markets. Good day.


P.S. I was totally kidding about the best of luck thing. I hope you get struck by lightning.

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