Sunday, September 19, 2010

What an Outrageous Waste!!!!!!

Has anyone else seen this Coors Light commercial where they launch a giant, rocket-shaped bottle into space? What the hell sort of world is this? Why is this a worthwhile expenditure of time and efforts when there are diseases in the world that need curing??!

And did you know that every hour, 36 homeless children learn that they have cancer? Or that there is a new line of Ford axles that make your car extra- extra-tuff?

I can honestly not remember the last time my liberal morals were subject to such outrage as this evening's NFL telecast on NBC. I feel like writing someone a letter and voting for the Green Party.


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Bananaphone Down!

Usually, getting my attention during the morning commute to the Dole Fruit Plant (still not affiliated with Dole Food Company, in spite of some serious efforts on the part of Plant management) is the province of peeple with fashion sense that is SO NOT FASHION as to endanger the eyes of both me and my fellow subway riders. Someone has to stand up for the little guy and tell those peeple just how NOT FASHION they are.

But not today.

Today's subway crisis began, simply enough, with a traditional male-female couple that boarded the A train at 175th Street. I didn't look at their faces, I just got a sense of them as the woman sat down next to me in the middle seat of a bank of three, and her dude stood in front of her holding onto the railing. Somewhere just before 168th Street, he reached into some pocket or pouch and handed her a banana, which I presume she ate. We were between 145th and 125th Streets when I noticed her out of the corner of my eye brandishing the limp, empty banana peel at him. The two of them then had the following exchange:

Girl: My bananaphone isn't working.
Guy: What?
Girl: My bananaphone isn't working. It collapsed.
Guy: It has no dial tone.
Girl: It's not working.
Guy: Mine is ringing.
Girl: Brrring! Brring!
Guy: Hahaha.
Girl: Hello? It's still not working.

She ended up tucking the collapsed bananaphone into his belt or a strap on his backpack somewhere in the 70s or 80s, and when we pulled into 59th Street, she got up and walked past him with what appeared to be little more than a friendly tap on his shoulder.

By then, I was already blaming Barack Obama. This is what happens when an Orwellian socialist Muslim takes over the USA: people become so afraid of the government and public services that they literally let their bananaphones go to waste, or even stupidly attempt self-repair, instead calling up the bananaphone company and getting the help they require. This, in turn, leads to the bananaphone companies not having enough work to merit paying full salaries, which then puts all kinds of talented, qualified bananaphone operators and technicians out of work when the companies outsource their jobs to China and the Philippines and Peru and stuff.

This country is the worst.