Saturday, September 29, 2012
-For His 2007th birthday, He auditioned for Fear Factor. He beat everybody at water events, but He lost for refusing to eat dung beetles because He "knew the recipe."
-(That was after He failed to get on Survivor twice.)
-He's an active member of the Libertarian party - THE MOST active member.
-He was arrested for drunk driving in 1989 on His way home from George H.W. Bush's inaugural ball.
-He was one of the losers of season 3 of Top Chef. (A lot of His recent career highlights are reality tv-related.)
-He has a gun.
-He has a job cutting hair in a barbershop, but He has no credibility because of how He basically looks like Willie Nelson.
-He loves Willie Nelson.
-He also loves Hanson, and He's more than a little bit pissed that they didn't stay popular so He could sell all their CDs on eBay.
-He once tried to bone Farrah Fawcett but she turned Him down. (Too soon?)
-He would do just about anything for a Klondike bar.
-He has never met Barack Obama, and He didn't vote for him because Obama is black.
Amazing. I am AMAZING. Boo yah.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Dear Jesus,Please make them all see the error of their ways and start talking about bacon socks. And if they don't, then smite them. Smite them real good.Yours in You,Smokey
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Anglican Church media officer Lloyd Ashton said the campaign was disrespectful to many religions and the people who followed them."They [the billboards] join a long line of advertising that's in questionable taste that slings off [at] things that lots of people hold precious."It's disrespectful to what a lot of people hold very dear."
Dear Jesus,What's up, Dude? How's It hanging these days? Things are pretty good down here, I guess. There was a weird smell in the break room the other day, but I don't think it's worth wasting a prayer on. Probably it's just a dead aminal or something. (I hope it's a unicorn!)Hey, how about those Cincinnati Reds? 5-0 to start the season, huh? I know that was totally You, and not just because Joey Votto and Drew Stubbs keep looking up at you every time they cross home plate, either.Hope You're having an awesome Thursday!Piece,Smokey.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Dear Jesus,Long time no talk. Sorry, (Son of) Man. Totes my bad.Listen, I need to ask You a flavor, on behalf of humanity. Would You mind chatting with Your Dad and seeing if this tiger-bear alliance thing can be stopped in its tracks? I'm not saying kill the cute baby aminals or anystring, I'm just saying it's pretty obvious that this is unicorn handiwork, and I know those conniving bastards got left off of Noah's Ark for a reason. (Part of Your Dad's Divine Plan™, I'm guessing. Wink, wink.)Let's keep the unicorns where they belong: in cans.Thanks in advance, Dude. You totally rule.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Girl: My bananaphone isn't working.Guy: What?Girl: My bananaphone isn't working. It collapsed.Guy: It has no dial tone.Girl: It's not working.Guy: Mine is ringing.Girl: Brrring! Brring!Guy: Hahaha.Girl: Hello? It's still not working.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dear Jesus,Don't do this, man. Give us back our Amanda Bynes. Give us that Bynes!Love and pickles,Smokey.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Dear Teh Obama,Forget about Jack Bauer. His show got canceled anywhoop. CALL JACK SHEPHARD. He's on an island somewhere.Also, brains.Brains,Smokey
Thursday, May 06, 2010
A large part of the reason that we are being ignored is because of who we are. Think about that for just a second. Did you hear about looting? Did you hear about crime sprees? No…you didn’t. You heard about people pulling their neighbors off of rooftops. You saw a group of people trying to move two horses to higher ground. No…we didn’t loot. Our biggest warning was, “Don’t play in the floodwater.” When you think about it…that speaks a lot for our city. A large portion of why we were being ignored was that we weren’t doing anything to draw attention to ourselves. We were handling it on our own.
Some will be quick to find fault in the way rescue operations were handled, but the fact of the matter is that the catastrophe could not have been prevented and it is simply ignorant beyond all reason to suggest otherwise. It is a flood. It was caused by rain. You can try to find a face to stick this tragedy to, but you’ll be wrong.
Parts of Nashville that could never even conceivably be underwater were underwater. Some of them still are. Opry Mills and the Opryland Hotel are, for all intents and purposes, destroyed. People died sitting in standstill traffic on the Interstate. We saw boats going down West End. And, of course, we all saw the surreal image of the portable building from Lighthouse Christian floating into traffic and being destroyed when cars were knocked into it. I’m still having trouble comprehending all of it.
And yet…life will go on. We’ll go back to work, to school, to our lives…and we’ll carry on. In a little over a month, I’ll be on this website talking about the draft. In October, we’ll be discussing the new Predators’ season with nary a thought of these past few days. But in a way, they changed everyone in this town. We now know that that it can happen to us…but also know that we can handle it.
Because we are Nashville.-by Patton Fuquataken from here
Thursday, April 08, 2010
WHEREAS, April is the month in which the people of Virginia joined the Confederate States of America in a four year war between the states for independence that concluded at Appomattox Courthouse; andWHEREAS, Virginia has long recognized her Confederate history, the numerous civil war battlefields that mark every region of the state, the leaders and individuals in the Army, Navy and at home who fought for their homes and communities and Commonwealth in a time very different than ours today; andWHEREAS, it is important for all Virginians to reflect upon our Commonwealth’s shared history, to understand the sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers and citizens during the period of the Civil War, and to recognize how our history has led to our present; andWHEREAS, Confederate historical sites such as the White House of the Confederacy are open for people to visit in Richmond today; andWHEREAS, all Virginians can appreciate the fact that when ultimately overwhelmed by the insurmountable numbers and resources of the Union Army, the surviving, imprisoned and injured Confederate soldiers gave their word and allegiance to the United States of America, and returned to their homes and families to rebuild their communities in peace, following the instruction of General Robert E. Lee of Virginia, who wrote that, “...all should unite in honest efforts to obliterate the effects of war and to restore the blessings of peace."; andWHEREAS, this defining chapter in Virginia’s history should not be forgotten, but instead should be studied, understood and remembered by all Virginians, both in the context of the time in which it took place, but also in the context of the time in which we live, and this study and remembrance takes on particular importance as the Commonwealth prepares to welcome the nation and the world to visit Virginia for the Sesquicentennial Anniversary of the Civil War, a four-year period in which the exploration of our history can benefit all;NOW, THEREFORE, I, Robert McDonnell, do hereby recognize April 2010 as CONFEDERATE HISTORY MONTH in our COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA, and I call this observance to the attention of all our citizens.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Lee Jin-gyu fell for his 'dakimakura' - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, often with a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side.
In Lee's case, his beloved pillow has an image of Fate Testarossa, from the 'magical girl' anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.
Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd') has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.
'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,' said one friend.
'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,' they added.
The pillow marriage is not the first similarly-themed unusual marriage in recent times - it comes after a Japanese otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in the Nintendo DS game Love Plus, last November.
I know what I disappointment I am to you. I know how much you hoped that by now, I would have worked my way to a respectable career, or at least moved out of the basement. But I need you to start accepting the choices I've made. I don't think that's too much to ask. A man has to follow his heart and his dreams, or else he ends up nowhere. You told me that once, and I have lived my life by that advice even when you refused to support me in the past, like the time I went on the all Kool-Aid diet for three weeks and ended up giving myself diabetes. I followed your advice then, and I'm following that same advice now too, and so I have some news to share with you: I married Liz.
I know the two of you haven't always gotten along in the past, and I know you don't particularly trust her. She confessed to me about all the times she tried to force herself on you, but she's really sorry about all of them, and she promised they won't happen again. It's water under the rug at this point as far as I'm concerned. I hope you can believe that too, and I hope you can find it in your heart to support this marriage, because it's what both of us really want.
Liz is so much like you, Dad: willful and headstrong; sassy and overbearing; deathly afraid of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You even have the same bizarre fetish for Costa Rican men who wear socks with sandals. I wish you could see that. I wish you could take the time to bond with her, to get to know her, and to forgive her for using all of your spoons to freebase cocaine with her friends in the backyard. She's such a good person, and she has such a kind and generous soul, and such a soft, cottony exterior too. I really wish you could open yourself to those parts of her, and not just focus on the questionable things. We all have our demons, after all. (Remember that time you got arrested for trying to rob a McDonald's?)
It's funny, we were talking on the bus this morning on our way to City Hall, and she actually mentioned how much the two of you have in common. I wonder if maybe that's what you dislike about her? It's a perfectly natural thing for a boy to want to marry a girl who is just like his father, but if you need time to acknowledge and accept that, I understand.
There's something else too. Liz told me what you said to her about how she could do better than to get stuck with a guy like me. I know when you said that, you were looking out for my best interests, and trying to make sure I didn't get hurt, and I love you for that. She's a really beautiful girl, and I know what a shameless flirt she is, and how much attention she gets when we're out at the park or the funfair. A lot of men (and women too) make comments to her like, "hey, why don't you ditch this guy who is somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd' and come home with me?" I must hear that upwards of sixteen or twenty times every weekend. But she loves me, and I love her, and I promise I can handle it. You don't have to worry about me getting hurt. I may always be your little boy, but I'm married now. We know what we're doing, and both of us went into this with our eyes wide open. I promise, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. (Unless she leaves me, in which case I'll most likely kill myself.)
We're going to the arcade now to play video games until I run out of my allowance, but I just want you to know that I love you, I'll be home by 7, and I would really appreciate it if you could buy us a package of gummi bears and some Cherry Kool-Aid to celebrate our good news. Liz is really excited to have you as a part of her life and her family now, so I hope you can be equally welcoming to her.
I love you more than I love Ryan Seacrest, Dad. I really mean that.
P.S. Liz asked if she could call you "daddy" from now on, but she said she only meant it in a purely sexual way. Isn't that cute?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thankfully, that has never happened.
No, I'm just kidding, it totally has. Where have you disappeared to, Andrew Koenig? Alyssa Milano is sick with worry. As are a surprising amount of people on the facebag.
Frankly, I say all those people are hypocrites. Why is it only when Dustin Diamond is getting airbrushed out of "Saved By the Bell" cast photos, or when the miniature black kid who played Willis's younger brother on "Diff'rent Strokes" is getting arrested in Utah, or when the dude who played Boner on "Growing Pains" goes missing in Vancouver that we, as a society, wake up and take notice? Maybe if any of us (meaning all of you who are the only ones not reading this blog) had bothered to check in with Boner Koenig before he disappeared, then none of this would have happened. We (again, I mean you) have nobody but (y)ourselves to blame.
But here's what I really don't understand: he went missing in Vancouver during the Olympics? How this is possible, Kiptin? Vancouver is covered all over in cameras! (Side note: how much better would that sentence have been if it was "Vancouver is covered all over in clover?") Anybody thought of checking all that HD footage of everything except hockey to see if Boenig is visible in the crowd? 'Cause tell me a guy with this hairstyle wouldn't stand out, even in a crowd of weirdo figure skating fans:
You picked the wrong part of the world to go missing in, Boenig. We're gonna find you, and then as soon as we know you're okay, we're gonna go right back to forgetting about you, just like we forgot about Boner after he left "Growing Pains" for the army. I guess we'll be seeing you in Sochi in 2014...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
But as upsetting as that is, that's all in the past now. And the FroLympics, in spite of the fact that NBC's coverage is pretty heavily grounded in the present (and that the coverage itself is tape-delayed), are all about the future. News flash, everybuzzy: the future is very gay, and very Canadian.
Meet Adam Rippon (also known as "Laser Batman"). At this year's U.S. men's figure skating championships (or, "Homopallooza"), Laser Batman was touted by none other than Scott "I'm At Least As Gay As Boitano" Hamilton as the future of American men's figure skating. Sadly, Laser Batman didn't qualify to represent America in the FroLympics this year, because the future of American figure skating is evidently only the fifth or sixth best skater in the country. If I were Laser Batman's parents, I would pretty much stop loving him for that.
I don't think Laser Batman is even a third as gay as Johnny Weird (or whatever his name is) either, which is pretty shocking considering just how gay Laser Batman is. How gay is he? Let's put it this way: Laser Batman is gayer than Adam Lambert and Albus Dumbledore and boys who read Twilight combined! But Johnny Weird has a show on the Sundance Channel, meaning that Laser Batman's only real chance to out-gay him is to land a multi-season deal with Bravo.
Something to shoot for if you ever want your parents to love you again, Laser Batman.
The future is far less bleak in Canada, however, not just because they have the FroLympics and no global warming, but because of Marianne St-Gelais, who actually managed to win a silver medal in women's 500-meter short track speed skating yesterday, on her 20th birthday - a performance that far outdistances Laser Batman in terms of competitive success, but falls miles short in homo-sin-uality. Here's a picture of Marianne St-Gelais at a competition last October, and you can tell just by looking how gay she ISN'T:
My guess is that Laser Batman watched her victory at home yesterday, consoling himself with a pastel-colored cocktail while taking refuge in the arms of some big, burly-chested lumberjack who thinks he's actually a girl. There could the makings of Laser Batman's Bravo show based on that relationship, but for the life of me, I would NEVER EVER WATCH THAT EVER.
If you're concerned about the lack of silver and gold in America's future, however, there is a lawmaker in South Carolina who might have you covered.
Meet Mike Pitts, a retired police officer turned State Representative with an idea so crazy that it just might work. Pitts is ready to turn back the clock on financial sanity with a bill that would outlaw money - or, as Pitts refers to it, "paper with ink on it." Pitts uses words like "collapse" (the verb, not the noun) and "collapsing" and "collapse" (the noun this time) to describe the potential dangers to the U.S. economy if we keep trying to use money to pay for goods and services. His wise and researched alternative: load up your pockets with precious metals, like gold and silver - commodities whose fluctuating values could leave you feeling like you just won (or lost) the lottery every day!
I think Pitts is onto something here. Because we may never be able to bring snow or winter or the FroLympics back to America, but if Pitts has his way, at least we'll have gold and silver (assuming we don't get robbed by people who aren't weighted down by pockets full of gold and silver, that is). And I know from my long correspondence with Him that that is exactly what Jesus Claus would have wanted - that, and for Laser Batman to get that show on Bravo.