Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Jesus, teh Obama, do I always have to do ALL YOUR WORK FOR YOU?

Oh, teh Obama. Teh Obama, teh Obama, teh Obama. If I've told you one thing over and over again since you started running to teh president, it's that you can't get anything done in American politics without getting help from celebrities. I tried to warn you after jigg razzlefrazzle the blah (the artist sometimes referred to as Judge Reinhold, but not on this here blog here since his refusal to endorse Oscar the Grouch for President) endorsed someone else other than you for president, but you didn't listen. You didn't listen then, and you don't listen now, and it's surprising that a man with ears the size of satellite dishes would not listen that much, because you would think that ALL you would do is listen, which is not true. It's like you have to wrongfully arrest a high-profile black Harvard professor just to get five minutes alone with you these days, teh Obama!

This is not the change we can believe in. Again.

And just look at the state of your Heathcliff Healthcare Reform-Time Play Pal, or whatever clever and catchy thing your marketing experts are failing to call it. Nobody wants it! Nobody was actually interviewed for the writing of this piece. Nobody very clearly went on record in support to teh Obama or to his Heathcliff Healthcare. I HAS QUOTABLE SOURCES. I AM JOURNALIST.

But this is not about me. This is about you, teh Obama, and how I can help you win back public support for Heathcliff Healthcare from more people than Nobody. All you need is two celebrities and a little bit o' hope.

Here's whatchagottadoo:

1. Get the Jesus Endorsement

Show a picture of Jesus and Heathcliff Healthcare (seriously, how is there not a man, woman, or post-op transsexual dressed up in furry mascot suit yet?) with their arms over each other's shoulders, all smiles and birthday cake and Skittles. And a banner that says, "Jesus endorses the Obama healthcare plan and the public option!"

Then you get Jesus to write a statement on his facebag page like Sarah Palin did. For instance:
I support the Obama healthcare plan because there are like 300 million Americans and I am totally fucking exhausted from having to answer prayers from people without insurance. Come on, mankind. Do you have any idea how many wide wide receivers there are that need My help to catch touchdown passes? Go Steelers! JK! LOL! My point is that I am a Busy Dude. I don't have time for that AND sick people. What am I, Superman? LOL.

Also, from what I hear up in Heaven, Obama's a pretty great guy. Then again, We really don't get that that many Republican voters visiting the Great Death Panel in the Sky.
See? Piece o' cake, teh Obama!

And then you can stand there at your town halls and be like, "who's gonna fuck with Jesus? You gonna fuck with Jesus?" Then you throw down the microphone, walk off stage, and write me a thank-you card.

2. Get Harry Potter to Bounce at Your Town Hall Meetings

People wanna show up with guns, I have a real simple fix. It's called magic. I read about it in Hogwarts, A History.

Psych! That is totally not where I read about it.

But cereal, teh Obama, this is Problem Solving 101. If you have a leaky pipe, you call a plumber. If you have people calling you a Nazi and carrying rifles and handguns to your rallies, you get Harry Potter out there to run your crowd control operation. Dude handled a fully-grown cave troll when he was 11! (SPOILER ALERT.) AND he beat freaking Voldemort! (SPOILER ALERT x2.) Some whacked-out muggle with a big metal stick isn't gonna be much of a threat.

Of course, those same asshole protesters who are out there with signs calling you a Nazi will probably show up with new signs that say "you can expelliarmus our guns, but you can't expelliarmus our ridiculous overblown partisan rancor!" But the joke's on them because yes, we can.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Look, ABC, We Need to Get Something Straight. And that Something is Tom DeLay.

Here in the Canning Operations division at Dole, we have a saying. I won't tell you what that saying is, because wow, is it off-color. I hereby refused to publish said saying on the blog. But we have it, and you don't, so there. Mnyeh.
Dear you (if that IS your real name),


That's the equivalent of me giving you the raspberry. Hurts, doesn't it? Kinda gets you right there in the ego, right? Right? Sorry about that. But you brought this on yourself.

Yours in Angelina Jolie,
In case you're curious as to how I come to my seemingly arbitrary and capricious decisions about what content I omit (or "censor" since "omit" is such an ugly and politically sensitive term) from the blog, I apply the same standards as are used by such fine entertainment organizations as, for example, the American Broadcasting Corporation (hereinafter referred to as "ABC"). ABC, for example, would not allow the word "motherfucker" to appear in one of their broadcasts, so neither will I. ABC would also never air a piece claiming that former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is a violently flaming homosexual with a fetishist streak and a taste for the blood of small children. And neither will I.

Of course, the other side of that particular rare, commemorative, nautically themed coin is that ABC will also never air any piece in which Mr. DeLay is complimented on what a fantastic piece of ass he is, or the stunning gentleness of his womanly caresses, or how great he looks wearing a tiger-print miniskirt and NOTHING ELSE. And so, even though that is the Zod's-honest truth, I'm afraid I won't either.

That is how much I respect the standards of ABC, the network that brought us the hit ABC sitcom "Growing Pains," and the other hit ABC sitcom "Lost."

But I do have one beef with ABC, and it concerns, of all things, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, whose multi-faceted attractiveness is as much a mystery to me as his sexual proclivities are, I swear, I swear, I swear.

My beef concerns the definition of the word "star."

And the motivation for said beef is the news that former Texas Congressperson (and current cutey-patootie) Tom DeLay will be appearing on the next season of the hit ABC sitcom, "Dancing with the Stars."

In most cases, I'm perfectly willing to grant some poetic license when it comes to nebulous terms relating to human characteristics or classifications that are hard to quantify in the first place - a flexibility that ABC nearly exhausted in its repeated attempts to promote The George Lopez Show as "comedy." It works, provided you broaden the definition of "comedy" to mean "something that someone, somewhere in America, either living or dead, might laugh at, or at least yawn at in a manner that could be confused with laughter if your eyes were also narrowed from yawning at the same time." See? Makes comedy almost seem sort of elusive and all-encompassing, doesn't it?

English, it turns out, is brimming with terms just like that, with definitions that are hard to pin down. What, for instance, is retarded? Actually, that's easy. Retarded is putting Tom DeLay on a show like the hit ABC sitcom "Dancing with the Stars" and not changing the name of the show. Because frankly, the idea of expanding the term "stars" to include "hot and sexy former congressmen/criminals who may or may not have obscenely kinky streaks in them" is a stretch, even for the network that brought us the hit ABC sitcom "Gray's Anatomy" and also the other hit ABC sitcom "NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw."

I think we can all agree that the lords and ministers and privy counselors at ABC ought to sit down and, as they themselves would say, "straighten some shit the fuck out." Because that saying that we have at Dole is one cocksucking motherfucker of a hilarious saying, and goddammit would I love to share the fucking shit out of it with all of you. If only it weren't so off-color!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

U.B. Kim Jong-Illin'

SEOUL, South KoreaNorth Korea on Thursday released a South Korean worker it had held for several months on charges of denouncing its political system, signaling what analysts called a desire by the North to ease relations with the South after months of tensions over its nuclear weapons program.
It's crazy times in North Korea these days, everybuzzy. You may think it's crazy times right here in America, where the Obama evidently wants to kill old people and get the government involved in Medicare for the first time ever, but that's peanuts compared to North Korea. Remember when they used to be able to hold a grudge? Remember when they put the "is of evil" into George W. McBush's "Axis of Evil?" Remember how scared you were after you microwaved that can of Pepsi when you were 11 years old, and your parents threatened to send you to a North Korean prison, which was like the most unimaginably brutal and awful punishment in the parental arsenal?

Nuh uh, not anymore. You don't even need a swashbuckling, womanizing ex-President on your side either. In these enlightened times, getting released from a North Korean prison is basically as easy as getting out of high school detention. Just forge a note from one of your parents, and you are GOOD TO GO.
Dear North Korea,

Please let go of my Eggo. And by Eggo, I mean son, not the delicious brand of waffle we sell here in America, where we think you are evil. Adios, amigo. La puerta esta abierta.

Mr. Robinson (Smokey Robinson's dad).*
So simple, even a caveman could do it, provided that the caveman could write Chinese, like my dad. Why, it's easier than trading in your cash for a brand new government clunker - and faster too!

Of course, the ultra-modern space children of Nowadays have far more gruesome things to worry about. Like having their iPhone 3GS's and all their apps for that and their facebag status updates taken away, or being forced to go outside and get some fresh air. Also, what's a microwave? And a Pepsi? That's what the kids say today, in this age of replicators and delicious food in pill form, because this is the future. Not this The Future either. The actual future. With flying cars and office buildings that can come pick you up if you're late for work, like in the Harry Potter show. Technology! Dumbledore!

*Not his actual name. The note, however, is real.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Thanks for pooping in my ice cream AGAIN, internets

Here. This is from the internets. Please has some.

According to the New York Observer, Dustin Diamond's deal to write a tell-all memoir for Gotham Books fell through a few months back. According to a source, Gotham Books dropped the project after they deemed the ghostwritten manuscript to be unpublishable, largely because "it contained many assertions about cast members from Saved by the Bell that Gotham felt were unverifiable."

This is heartbreaking news. Screech's tale deserves to be told, not airbrushed out of the cover of Peep-hole Magazine and also at the same time retroactively airbrushed out of the official cast photo from 1989 like he was some fourth-rate child actor on a third-rate TV show whose career never amounted to anything.


And to those of you who would say, "um, dude, chill, it's just Screech," I have this to say to you, right up in your face, or "grill" as they say in the parlance of our times:

Wait a tick. JUST Screech? Was the blonde sister from "Family Ties" JUST the blonde sister from Family Ties"? Was Jonathan Bauer (the weirdo freaky gay little brother from "Who's the Boss?") JUST Jonathan Bauer (the weirdo freaky gay little brother from "Who's the Boss?")? Was Buddy from "Charles in Charge" JUST Buddy from "Charles in Charge?" Was Vinnie from "Doogie Howser, MD" JUST Vinnie from "Doogie Howser, MD?"

Okay, okay, Buddy did go on to become a fundamentalist Christian and make movies with Kirk Cameron or something, I think, and the freaky gay kid from "Who's the Boss?" went on to become an even freakier and gayer adult. And Vinnie might be a bad example too, since he actually had some success after changing his name to Jude Law and impregnating a bunch of women. But how many of them landed another TV series? These losers weren't even compelling enough to get an E! True Hollywood Story, right? I mean, come on! Even the Coreys got a freaking E! True Hollywood Story.

Jennifer Keaton, I'm pretty sure, is dead*. Rest in peace, Tina Yothers.

I'd like to read what Styles from the Teen Wolf movies has to say about the behind-the-scenes on those joints. Where's that book at? Oh, is it being SILENCED by the internets too? These "actors" are "people" too, and THEIR HEARTBREAKING TALES OF INCEST AND LOVE AND HEARTBREAKING INCEST DESERVE TO BE TOLD! Just like those little dudes who played the mismatched twins on "The Hogan Family." That's the juicy tell-all America is clamoring for!

You went too far this time, internets, if that IS your real name. In the words of Jack Nicholson, you have fucked with the wrong marine. Not me, of course. I'm not marine material, what with the pacifism and the poor eyesight and the tracheotomy and all. But Dustin Diamond - he is the wrong marine, and you have fucked with him, internets. Nice work.

*our fact-checking department assures me this is false.