Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Thanks for pooping in my ice cream AGAIN, internets

Here. This is from the internets. Please has some.

According to the New York Observer, Dustin Diamond's deal to write a tell-all memoir for Gotham Books fell through a few months back. According to a source, Gotham Books dropped the project after they deemed the ghostwritten manuscript to be unpublishable, largely because "it contained many assertions about cast members from Saved by the Bell that Gotham felt were unverifiable."

This is heartbreaking news. Screech's tale deserves to be told, not airbrushed out of the cover of Peep-hole Magazine and also at the same time retroactively airbrushed out of the official cast photo from 1989 like he was some fourth-rate child actor on a third-rate TV show whose career never amounted to anything.


And to those of you who would say, "um, dude, chill, it's just Screech," I have this to say to you, right up in your face, or "grill" as they say in the parlance of our times:

Wait a tick. JUST Screech? Was the blonde sister from "Family Ties" JUST the blonde sister from Family Ties"? Was Jonathan Bauer (the weirdo freaky gay little brother from "Who's the Boss?") JUST Jonathan Bauer (the weirdo freaky gay little brother from "Who's the Boss?")? Was Buddy from "Charles in Charge" JUST Buddy from "Charles in Charge?" Was Vinnie from "Doogie Howser, MD" JUST Vinnie from "Doogie Howser, MD?"

Okay, okay, Buddy did go on to become a fundamentalist Christian and make movies with Kirk Cameron or something, I think, and the freaky gay kid from "Who's the Boss?" went on to become an even freakier and gayer adult. And Vinnie might be a bad example too, since he actually had some success after changing his name to Jude Law and impregnating a bunch of women. But how many of them landed another TV series? These losers weren't even compelling enough to get an E! True Hollywood Story, right? I mean, come on! Even the Coreys got a freaking E! True Hollywood Story.

Jennifer Keaton, I'm pretty sure, is dead*. Rest in peace, Tina Yothers.

I'd like to read what Styles from the Teen Wolf movies has to say about the behind-the-scenes on those joints. Where's that book at? Oh, is it being SILENCED by the internets too? These "actors" are "people" too, and THEIR HEARTBREAKING TALES OF INCEST AND LOVE AND HEARTBREAKING INCEST DESERVE TO BE TOLD! Just like those little dudes who played the mismatched twins on "The Hogan Family." That's the juicy tell-all America is clamoring for!

You went too far this time, internets, if that IS your real name. In the words of Jack Nicholson, you have fucked with the wrong marine. Not me, of course. I'm not marine material, what with the pacifism and the poor eyesight and the tracheotomy and all. But Dustin Diamond - he is the wrong marine, and you have fucked with him, internets. Nice work.

*our fact-checking department assures me this is false.

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