Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Look, ABC, We Need to Get Something Straight. And that Something is Tom DeLay.

Here in the Canning Operations division at Dole, we have a saying. I won't tell you what that saying is, because wow, is it off-color. I hereby refused to publish said saying on the blog. But we have it, and you don't, so there. Mnyeh.
Dear you (if that IS your real name),

PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

That's the equivalent of me giving you the raspberry. Hurts, doesn't it? Kinda gets you right there in the ego, right? Right? Sorry about that. But you brought this on yourself.

Yours in Angelina Jolie,
Smokey.
In case you're curious as to how I come to my seemingly arbitrary and capricious decisions about what content I omit (or "censor" since "omit" is such an ugly and politically sensitive term) from the blog, I apply the same standards as are used by such fine entertainment organizations as, for example, the American Broadcasting Corporation (hereinafter referred to as "ABC"). ABC, for example, would not allow the word "motherfucker" to appear in one of their broadcasts, so neither will I. ABC would also never air a piece claiming that former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is a violently flaming homosexual with a fetishist streak and a taste for the blood of small children. And neither will I.

Of course, the other side of that particular rare, commemorative, nautically themed coin is that ABC will also never air any piece in which Mr. DeLay is complimented on what a fantastic piece of ass he is, or the stunning gentleness of his womanly caresses, or how great he looks wearing a tiger-print miniskirt and NOTHING ELSE. And so, even though that is the Zod's-honest truth, I'm afraid I won't either.

That is how much I respect the standards of ABC, the network that brought us the hit ABC sitcom "Growing Pains," and the other hit ABC sitcom "Lost."

But I do have one beef with ABC, and it concerns, of all things, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, whose multi-faceted attractiveness is as much a mystery to me as his sexual proclivities are, I swear, I swear, I swear.

My beef concerns the definition of the word "star."

And the motivation for said beef is the news that former Texas Congressperson (and current cutey-patootie) Tom DeLay will be appearing on the next season of the hit ABC sitcom, "Dancing with the Stars."

In most cases, I'm perfectly willing to grant some poetic license when it comes to nebulous terms relating to human characteristics or classifications that are hard to quantify in the first place - a flexibility that ABC nearly exhausted in its repeated attempts to promote The George Lopez Show as "comedy." It works, provided you broaden the definition of "comedy" to mean "something that someone, somewhere in America, either living or dead, might laugh at, or at least yawn at in a manner that could be confused with laughter if your eyes were also narrowed from yawning at the same time." See? Makes comedy almost seem sort of elusive and all-encompassing, doesn't it?

English, it turns out, is brimming with terms just like that, with definitions that are hard to pin down. What, for instance, is retarded? Actually, that's easy. Retarded is putting Tom DeLay on a show like the hit ABC sitcom "Dancing with the Stars" and not changing the name of the show. Because frankly, the idea of expanding the term "stars" to include "hot and sexy former congressmen/criminals who may or may not have obscenely kinky streaks in them" is a stretch, even for the network that brought us the hit ABC sitcom "Gray's Anatomy" and also the other hit ABC sitcom "NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw."

I think we can all agree that the lords and ministers and privy counselors at ABC ought to sit down and, as they themselves would say, "straighten some shit the fuck out." Because that saying that we have at Dole is one cocksucking motherfucker of a hilarious saying, and goddammit would I love to share the fucking shit out of it with all of you. If only it weren't so off-color!

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