Saturday, September 29, 2012

A profile of Jesus

There's a notebook of my old blog ideas. I haven't updated it since like 2010, but I think these ideas are still totally fresh. Like this: my notes for a profile of my Good Buddy Jesu Criste.

-For His 2007th birthday, He auditioned for Fear Factor. He beat everybody at water events, but He lost for refusing to eat dung beetles because He "knew the recipe."

-(That was after He failed to get on Survivor twice.)

-He's an active member of the Libertarian party - THE MOST active member.

-He was arrested for drunk driving in 1989 on His way home from George H.W. Bush's inaugural ball.

-He was one of the losers of season 3 of Top Chef. (A lot of His recent career highlights are reality tv-related.)

-He has a gun.

-He has a job cutting hair in a barbershop, but He has no credibility because of how He basically looks like Willie Nelson.

-He loves Willie Nelson.

-He also loves Hanson, and He's more than a little bit pissed that they didn't stay popular so He could sell all their CDs on eBay.

-He once tried to bone Farrah Fawcett but she turned Him down. (Too soon?)

-He would do just about anything for a Klondike bar.

-He has never met Barack Obama, and He didn't vote for him because Obama is black.

Amazing. I am AMAZING. Boo yah.