Thursday, April 08, 2010

Virginia Is For Losers!

If there's one thing that everyone in America agrees on, it's that we all love a loser. That probably explains why the Boston Red Sux have lost so many fans since they won the Whirled Series in 2004, and why nobody likes black people ever since we elected Tracy Morgan (or whatever her name is) to be our first black president in 2008.

Because let's face it, everybuzzy, what is there to love about the Red Sux or black people if they're not losers anymore?

Fortunately, the great Commonwealth of Virginia has given us something else to love: namely, the great Commonwealth of Virginia, which has gone beyond the call of duty to remind the world what humongous losers they are.

To wit, the following proclamation:

WHEREAS, April is the month in which the people of Virginia joined the Confederate States of America in a four year war between the states for independence that concluded at Appomattox Courthouse; and

WHEREAS, Virginia has long recognized her Confederate history, the numerous civil war battlefields that mark every region of the state, the leaders and individuals in the Army, Navy and at home who fought for their homes and communities and Commonwealth in a time very different than ours today; and

WHEREAS, it is important for all Virginians to reflect upon our Commonwealth’s shared history, to understand the sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers and citizens during the period of the Civil War, and to recognize how our history has led to our present; and

WHEREAS, Confederate historical sites such as the White House of the Confederacy are open for people to visit in Richmond today; and

WHEREAS, all Virginians can appreciate the fact that when ultimately overwhelmed by the insurmountable numbers and resources of the Union Army, the surviving, imprisoned and injured Confederate soldiers gave their word and allegiance to the United States of America, and returned to their homes and families to rebuild their communities in peace, following the instruction of General Robert E. Lee of Virginia, who wrote that, “...all should unite in honest efforts to obliterate the effects of war and to restore the blessings of peace."; and

WHEREAS, this defining chapter in Virginia’s history should not be forgotten, but instead should be studied, understood and remembered by all Virginians, both in the context of the time in which it took place, but also in the context of the time in which we live, and this study and remembrance takes on particular importance as the Commonwealth prepares to welcome the nation and the world to visit Virginia for the Sesquicentennial Anniversary of the Civil War, a four-year period in which the exploration of our history can benefit all;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Robert McDonnell, do hereby recognize April 2010 as CONFEDERATE HISTORY MONTH in our COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA, and I call this observance to the attention of all our citizens.

If you're wondering who Robert McDonnell is, he's the governor of Virginia. And if you're wondering who Virginia is, it was one of the many Southern states that LOST THE CIVIL WAR.

I think we all everybuzzy owe Governor Ronald McDonald a great big thank you for resurrecting the memory of Confederate history during these turbulent political times, as talk of insurgency and rebellion against the lawfully established United States government are once again becoming fashionable. It's helpful to look back and reminisce about those glory days of yestercentury when the mighty Union army crushed the pitiful southern rebellion, thus proving that THE CONFEDERACY WAS A BUNCH OF COMPLETE AND TOTAL LOSERS.

Of course, Governor McDoodle is a white male, which means he has very little experience being a loser - although he is a member of the Republican Party. (A zing! About teh politix! Ouch!)

To McDiggle's credit, he's certainly making a valiant attempt to establish his LOSER credentials. Public proclamations about his Commonwealth's role in helping the South lose the Civil War are a very good start. Next thing you know, he'll issue a statement reminding all of us how strongly he supported insurance companies' right to deny sick people health insurance - another victory for the North! (And another zing for Smokey!)

Conveniently (is conveniently the right word?), Governor McDweeble's Confederate History Month proclamation neglected to mention anything about that whole people-owning-people thing. But that's not really his fault. After all, when you lose as miserably, and on as many fronts as the South did when THEY LOST THE CIVIL WAR, it gets hard to keep all the details straight of how badly you got beaten.

McDurgle defended the omission with the rationale that "there were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia."

You have to appreciate when a white man takes a stand on principle, even if that principle is racism.

But after hearing his stance decried by just about every single person with even the faintest sense of decency, Governor McDribble did what southerners do best: HE BACKED DOWN.

That's why we here at the blog love Governor McDipple - he's a loser, through and through. And since he already works in the former capital city of the Confederacy, he should feel right at home.