Beware Of Unicorns

What you CAN see in this video are two orphaned baby bears from China playing with a tiger cub:

What you CAN'T see are the unicorns lurking in the shadows, fostering and nurturing this unholy alliance via their Chinese minions. It's the unicorns who are pulling the strings here, peeple. Don't be fool'd. This isn't about cute, cuddly baby aminals, this is about the beasts of the field reasserting their dominance over the human race. It's gonna be just like Middle Earth up in here, back when Sauron and Voldemort and the dinosaurs were the Head Lizards in Charge. And mankind will once again have to look to Jesus to take up the One Ring and defeat Voldemort and Sauron and the rampaging hordes once more, just like He defeated them in the popular young adult book series, The Bible.

We need Jesus now more than ever. Which of course means that old Smokey is gonna have to get involved.

Dear Jesus,

Long time no talk. Sorry, (Son of) Man. Totes my bad.

Listen, I need to ask You a flavor, on behalf of humanity. Would You mind chatting with Your Dad and seeing if this tiger-bear alliance thing can be stopped in its tracks? I'm not saying kill the cute baby aminals or anystring, I'm just saying it's pretty obvious that this is unicorn handiwork, and I know those conniving bastards got left off of Noah's Ark for a reason. (Part of Your Dad's Divine Plan™, I'm guessing. Wink, wink.)

Let's keep the unicorns where they belong: in cans.

Thanks in advance, Dude. You totally rule.

Yours in You,

Smokey Robinson

There. YOU'RE WELCOME AGAIN, HUMANITY.

Put a Banana in Your Ear, Banana King

Though mankind clearly reached its cultural zenith with Zac Efron's perfection of the popular "shaggy do" last year, there are still occasional bursts of ingenuity and art that stand out like pimples on the otherwise pimple-free and art-free landscape of human achievement.

There is, for instance, the banana. And the fine cinematic work of judd rinefart the blah, who seems to have no interest in whether I ever start capitalizing his name or calling him Judge Reinhold again. (For the record, all it would take is for him to endorse someone other than Bill Richardson, so I can know what to think.) There is also the unicorn. And broccoli salad. And the banana. And the paper clip.

It's also true that the unending quest of our species for self-actualization and greatness has occasionally produced some very decent television as well, as proven by the first 18 seasons of Little House on the Prairie. But then again, we've also managed to produce Ted McGinley, a force of nature so powerful and so deadly that he has his own category on jumptheshark.com, a website that, in an ironic twist of fate, jumped the shark during a very special episode starring Ted McGinley.

This, of course, all leads back to Zac Efron's hair, which has been strangely and sadly absent from major news cycles for months now, leaving us to focus on the aforementioned pimples.

And wow, did I just find a juicy one.

Feast your eyes on Charlie the Unicorn. And please pay particular attention to what happens at the 3:44 mark, as it is relevant to my cause of action against you under the Freedom of Information Act. Also, because it is awesome.

Dear Jesus,

Yes! We totally did it, Man! Or should I say, Son of Man! You can come back now and judge us. I think we finally have You beat.

Your pal in You,
The Smoke Monster.

P.S. Why does www.unicorn.com redirect to the IBM website?