From: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:31 PM
Subject: My Honest Desire
Hello,
I am Elaine Masters now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. David Masters who worked with United Kingdom Embassy for ten years before he died in the year 2002.
Before my Husband died, we both made a deposit of a total sum $8.6M in a financial company here in U.K. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have few months to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to an honest Person. who will be trusted to assist me in my last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you. Remember to send your response to this email address: mastelaine@gmail.com
In His Arms.
Mrs. Elaine Masters
***
From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: Your Honest Desire
Dear Mrs. Elaine Masters,
Thank you for contacting me with your offer to donate $8.6 million to me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't know quite how to respond to such an offer, or who might think that someone sending an unsolicited email offering to give $8.6 million to a stranger is too good to be true. Fortunately for you, I have a great deal of experience accepting huge random donations from people with limited functional English knowledge who have never met me.
So let's do this.
I'm sure the easiest way to arrange the transfer would be for me to forward my bank account information, including PIN numbers and online passwords and whatnot. But that's just what they'll be expecting us to do. So here's what I'm thinking instead: if you can arrange to get the $8.6 million in $20 bills, I will send you 430,000 stamped business envelopes, and you can mail the Jacksons to me one at a time.
I know this plan might seem inefficient and somewhat costly, but trust me when I tell you that you do not want the tax-related hassle of writing me a check, or directly depositing the funds into one of my many bank accounts. Too many questions. Too much paperwork. Too many sticky entanglements with the law. Too much marshmallow on my fluffernutter.
Besides which, I'm the one doing you a favor anyway. I'm not talking about assisting you in your last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity, I'm talking about the other favor I'm doing for you, which is to spare you the burden of being rich anymore. I'm sure you'll agree that this economic climate is not exactly hospitable to people who have lots of money. Why, just yesterday, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called for fatcat AIG executives who approved bonuses to their Financial Products division to either resign or commit suicide. Suicide! Just for being rich!
It's times like this when you have to ask yourself what the point of the American dream is. Well, not you, since you're apparently in U.K. Also because you have cancer problem and will be dead soon.
Anyway, the money. Let me know if my plan is acceptable to you, or if you have a different suggestion about how to get me the money. I say "different suggestion" and not "better suggestion" because honestly, I don't see how you can top my 430,000-envelope idea. But go ahead and try if you want to, chuckle chuckle chuckle.
Yours in song,
Smokey Robinson.
Showing posts with label junk mail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label junk mail. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Spotlight on my junk mail
From: E.Claid@surrey.ac.uk
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Tue, Sep 2, 2008 at 1:53 AM
Subject: Confirmation Letter from COEFA
Dear Beneficiary,
Good day to you and Compliment of the season. I wish to Congratulate
and Inform you that you have been shortlisted as One Of the Beneficiary Of
this Year Chevron Online Endowment Fund Award (COEFA). For more
Information please contact the Officer Incharge.
Mr. Alexander Dickson
Email: chevrontexacoclaimsprocess@hotmail.com
Tel: :+44-703-592-9763
**Note: All replies and querries or questions concerning this message
should be sent to chevrontexacoclaimsprocess@hotmail.com
Yours Faithfully,
Dr.LEWIS ANDERSON
Chief Executive Officer
***
From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: E.Claid@surrey.ac.uk
Date: Wed, Sep 3, 2008 at 3:16 PM
Subject: Re: Confirmation Letter from COEFA
Lew,
Dude.
What the fuck.
Wait, sorry, that's impolite. Despite the behavior of SOME PEOPLE who don't bother answering their emails, even when you send in your application to the Chevron Online Endowment Fund Award in JULY 2003, I am going to be polite here. So let me begin again.
Lew,
Compliment of the season to you too. But what the fuck.
Are you really just going to send me this email today like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BEFORE? Are you really going to act like we never met at that party, or like you ever promised me IN FRONT OF MY MOM that I was a shoo-in for this award FIVE YEARS AGO? Are you really going to have the unmitigated gall to stand there in your jodhpurs and your pea coat and tell me that five years later, I am merely a FINALIST?
Fuck you, Lew. I wish I never fucking met you. I don't even think I want to be one of the Beneficiary Of this Year Award. And I want those fucking cuff links back too. I only give birthday gifts to real friends.
Piss off, jerkwad,
Smokey.
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Tue, Sep 2, 2008 at 1:53 AM
Subject: Confirmation Letter from COEFA
Dear Beneficiary,
Good day to you and Compliment of the season. I wish to Congratulate
and Inform you that you have been shortlisted as One Of the Beneficiary Of
this Year Chevron Online Endowment Fund Award (COEFA). For more
Information please contact the Officer Incharge.
Mr. Alexander Dickson
Email: chevrontexacoclaimsprocess@hotmail.com
Tel: :+44-703-592-9763
**Note: All replies and querries or questions concerning this message
should be sent to chevrontexacoclaimsprocess@hotmail.com
Yours Faithfully,
Dr.LEWIS ANDERSON
Chief Executive Officer
***
From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: E.Claid@surrey.ac.uk
Date: Wed, Sep 3, 2008 at 3:16 PM
Subject: Re: Confirmation Letter from COEFA
Lew,
Dude.
What the fuck.
Wait, sorry, that's impolite. Despite the behavior of SOME PEOPLE who don't bother answering their emails, even when you send in your application to the Chevron Online Endowment Fund Award in JULY 2003, I am going to be polite here. So let me begin again.
Lew,
Compliment of the season to you too. But what the fuck.
Are you really just going to send me this email today like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BEFORE? Are you really going to act like we never met at that party, or like you ever promised me IN FRONT OF MY MOM that I was a shoo-in for this award FIVE YEARS AGO? Are you really going to have the unmitigated gall to stand there in your jodhpurs and your pea coat and tell me that five years later, I am merely a FINALIST?
Fuck you, Lew. I wish I never fucking met you. I don't even think I want to be one of the Beneficiary Of this Year Award. And I want those fucking cuff links back too. I only give birthday gifts to real friends.
Piss off, jerkwad,
Smokey.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Spotlight on My Junk Mail (Also, Spotlight on My Male Junk)
Every once in a while, I get a piece of unsolicited mail that is so demographically attuned to me, I feel as if the sender has reached a finger up through the urethra of my erectile dysfunction-laden boy parts and touched my very soul. Today happens to be one of those days. Check this out:
It sort of also highlights just how far out-of-touch Jesus and I have fallen. I mean, I still go to Him for advice, but it's as if The Guy constantly falls back on 2,000-year-old parables and quotes and miscellaneous bullshit, rather than put in the effort to come up with anything newer.
Earth to J.C.: it's the 21st century! It's not like there's an 11th commandment that says, "Thou shalt not expect topical wisdom from Me or the Members of My Family," right? Get with it, Dude. I have been crying out for a way to make everything in bed with my woman, and where the hell has the Great Jesus Christ been?
"My child, keep your father's commandment, and do not forsake your mother's teaching. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the wife of another, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes." (Proverbs, 6:20-25)
Some fucking help You are, Jesus, if that IS your real name. We are so over, unless I really need You to help out the Dole Fruit volleyball team with our deep setting again.
Seriously, "capture you with her eyelashes?" W.T.Fuck? With confusing messages like that, it's no wonder Christians are so confused. This is half the reason why priests are constantly messing around with the erectile dysfunction-laden boy parts of their altar boy staff.
Ew, altar boy staff. Nasty.
See what I mean? The teachings of Jesus & Co. are a breeding ground for homo-SIN-uality and pedophilia. It's over between us, Son of Man. And to think, I once saved half a cucumber because I thought I saw your face in it. If I could go back now, I would totally eat that cucumber.
God, even that sounds gross.
Saves me please, Tomming Tarns! You and your lolcats-level understanding of English is my only hopes.
From: Tomming Tarns [tomtar4mn@gmail.com]
To: oxbill@sarlin.net, Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Subject: You've got new message! chore pierce.
Enjoy yourself! Make everything in bed with your woman.Never in my life have I felt so completely understood and safe. Just the mere fact that they "know all problem in [my] sexual life" is an immeasurable comfort in these dire economic times.
Get full info
It sort of also highlights just how far out-of-touch Jesus and I have fallen. I mean, I still go to Him for advice, but it's as if The Guy constantly falls back on 2,000-year-old parables and quotes and miscellaneous bullshit, rather than put in the effort to come up with anything newer.
Earth to J.C.: it's the 21st century! It's not like there's an 11th commandment that says, "Thou shalt not expect topical wisdom from Me or the Members of My Family," right? Get with it, Dude. I have been crying out for a way to make everything in bed with my woman, and where the hell has the Great Jesus Christ been?
"My child, keep your father's commandment, and do not forsake your mother's teaching. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the wife of another, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes." (Proverbs, 6:20-25)
Some fucking help You are, Jesus, if that IS your real name. We are so over, unless I really need You to help out the Dole Fruit volleyball team with our deep setting again.
Seriously, "capture you with her eyelashes?" W.T.Fuck? With confusing messages like that, it's no wonder Christians are so confused. This is half the reason why priests are constantly messing around with the erectile dysfunction-laden boy parts of their altar boy staff.
Ew, altar boy staff. Nasty.
See what I mean? The teachings of Jesus & Co. are a breeding ground for homo-SIN-uality and pedophilia. It's over between us, Son of Man. And to think, I once saved half a cucumber because I thought I saw your face in it. If I could go back now, I would totally eat that cucumber.
God, even that sounds gross.
Saves me please, Tomming Tarns! You and your lolcats-level understanding of English is my only hopes.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Spotlight on my junk mail
From: Houlihan's [Houlihans@houlihans.fishbowl.com]
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Wed, Jan 23, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Subject: We Messed Up
***
From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: Houlihan's [Houlihans@houlihans.fishbowl.com]
cc: Jesus Christ [superstar@whatwouldido.org]
Date: Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Subject: Re: We (Meaning YOU) Messed Up
Dear The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's,
Yes, you certainly did "messed up" all right.
I can't even begin to tell you how insulted I am by the baseless and fraudulent misrepresentation you have perpetrated on me and the entire Houlihan's-cuisine-buying population - at least, those of us who live outside of the handful of teacher's pet regional markets where your new seasonal menu concept is being tested. This is a violation of trust, and to ask young men and women, to ask old men and women, to ask African-Americans, Native Americans; to ask Americans to simply dismiss it and continue to patronize your establishments would be a humiliation of the highest magnitude.
I received this email on January 23rd of this year. So great was my distress, however, that I have been unable to form a cogent response until now, more than a month later. For a while, I held out hope that this was yet another chestnut from the vast reliquary of practical jokes in the Houlihan's Headquarters of E-Mail Goofdom in Athens, Georgia. But, as I have discovered in each of my numerous subsequent trips to your local franchises, this was not a joke at all.
You have sinned against your customers, and against the American public. Indeed, you have sinned against your very God. You have, perhaps irreparably, besmirched the esteemed name of The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's. And your shoddy attempt herewith to cover that besmirchment with a simple apology is, well, shoddy.
To be blunt, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, I hate you.
I am not an unforgiving person, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, as members of the Republican party, or any of my numerous ex-girlfriends (except Mary, that bitch) will tell you. Nonetheless, I find myself unusually hard-pressed to get past this. It seems to point to something larger and more sinister. There are ominous underpinnings here, perhaps foreshadowing something altogether more evil than merely a breach of consumer trust. I'm not sure yet if I know what I'm saying, but I'd lay all the money in my pockets against all the money in yours that YOU DO know what I'm saying, if you know what I'm saying.
In light of that, I feel that I have a responsibility to bring your transgression to the attention of the public by writing this letter to you, and by publishing it on my blog. I bet you didn't even know I had a blog, did you, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's? That's what you get for failing to properly research and understand your demographic - that and an unquenchable controversy over mis-sent email about a seasonal menu. Rest assured that once news of this hits the internets, and once word of this letter is popularized by a viral YouTube campaign starring an animatronic horse, a talking fish, and Nalts, no one will ever go to Houlihan's again ever. I wish I felt some remorse about that, but I think we both know that you brought this on yourselves.
Best of luck in your future endeavors, except for the ones relating to restaurants - particularly those with experimental seasonal menus that are only being tested in hand-picked special markets. Good day.
Cordially,
Smokey
P.S. I was totally kidding about the best of luck thing. I hope you get struck by lightning.
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Wed, Jan 23, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Subject: We Messed Up
***
From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: Houlihan's [Houlihans@houlihans.fishbowl.com]
cc: Jesus Christ [superstar@whatwouldido.org]
Date: Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Subject: Re: We (Meaning YOU) Messed Up
Dear The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's,
Yes, you certainly did "messed up" all right.
I can't even begin to tell you how insulted I am by the baseless and fraudulent misrepresentation you have perpetrated on me and the entire Houlihan's-cuisine-buying population - at least, those of us who live outside of the handful of teacher's pet regional markets where your new seasonal menu concept is being tested. This is a violation of trust, and to ask young men and women, to ask old men and women, to ask African-Americans, Native Americans; to ask Americans to simply dismiss it and continue to patronize your establishments would be a humiliation of the highest magnitude.
I received this email on January 23rd of this year. So great was my distress, however, that I have been unable to form a cogent response until now, more than a month later. For a while, I held out hope that this was yet another chestnut from the vast reliquary of practical jokes in the Houlihan's Headquarters of E-Mail Goofdom in Athens, Georgia. But, as I have discovered in each of my numerous subsequent trips to your local franchises, this was not a joke at all.
You have sinned against your customers, and against the American public. Indeed, you have sinned against your very God. You have, perhaps irreparably, besmirched the esteemed name of The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's. And your shoddy attempt herewith to cover that besmirchment with a simple apology is, well, shoddy.
To be blunt, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, I hate you.
I am not an unforgiving person, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's, as members of the Republican party, or any of my numerous ex-girlfriends (except Mary, that bitch) will tell you. Nonetheless, I find myself unusually hard-pressed to get past this. It seems to point to something larger and more sinister. There are ominous underpinnings here, perhaps foreshadowing something altogether more evil than merely a breach of consumer trust. I'm not sure yet if I know what I'm saying, but I'd lay all the money in my pockets against all the money in yours that YOU DO know what I'm saying, if you know what I'm saying.
In light of that, I feel that I have a responsibility to bring your transgression to the attention of the public by writing this letter to you, and by publishing it on my blog. I bet you didn't even know I had a blog, did you, The E-mail Goofs at Houlihan's? That's what you get for failing to properly research and understand your demographic - that and an unquenchable controversy over mis-sent email about a seasonal menu. Rest assured that once news of this hits the internets, and once word of this letter is popularized by a viral YouTube campaign starring an animatronic horse, a talking fish, and Nalts, no one will ever go to Houlihan's again ever. I wish I felt some remorse about that, but I think we both know that you brought this on yourselves.
Best of luck in your future endeavors, except for the ones relating to restaurants - particularly those with experimental seasonal menus that are only being tested in hand-picked special markets. Good day.
Cordially,
Smokey
P.S. I was totally kidding about the best of luck thing. I hope you get struck by lightning.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Me, getting invited to like, the hottest party of 2008, and having to say no...
FROM: Beingirl.in [beingirl.in@zapak.com]
TO: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
DATE: Jan 23, 2008 12:39 PM
SUBJECT: Party Party!! First Ever All Girls Party - Come & Join the Fun
***
TO: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
DATE: Jan 23, 2008 12:39 PM
SUBJECT: Party Party!! First Ever All Girls Party - Come & Join the Fun
FROM: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
TO: Beingirl.in [beingirl.in@zapak.com]
DATE: Jan 23, 2008 4:29 PM
SUBJECT: RE: Party Party!! First Ever All Girls Party - Come & Join the Fun
Dear BeingGirl.in,
This was really sweet of you to invite me to the party and all, and especially because although I am a (mostly) white, (mostly) male (mostly) American, I am, at heart, an Indian girl. This makes me feel so special, and so recognized for who I truly am. And also, the manner in which you have managed to market to my demographic, with the clever use of catchy colors, bubbles, speaker-like graphics, and the silhouetted image of a girl jumping (to say nothing of the hot Indian rockerz F4, who I absolutely LOVE!!!!!), also makes me feel special.
Sadly, I won't be in the Mumbai area on the 25th, since I have to go to a boring American bar mitzvah that day for my boss's nephew. But all I will be thinking about is the Music, the Masti, and the Rocking performance that I could totally be at instead, if not for the fact that I live thousands of miles away, which I'm sure you must have known even before you sent me this invitation.
But I really did want to take a minute to thank you, and to let you know how truly touched I was to know that you thought of me. Please keep me in mind for next time, even if I can't make it. Sometimes it's nice just to feel included, right?
Thanks a ton,
Smokey
TO: Beingirl.in [beingirl.in@zapak.com]
DATE: Jan 23, 2008 4:29 PM
SUBJECT: RE: Party Party!! First Ever All Girls Party - Come & Join the Fun
Dear BeingGirl.in,
This was really sweet of you to invite me to the party and all, and especially because although I am a (mostly) white, (mostly) male (mostly) American, I am, at heart, an Indian girl. This makes me feel so special, and so recognized for who I truly am. And also, the manner in which you have managed to market to my demographic, with the clever use of catchy colors, bubbles, speaker-like graphics, and the silhouetted image of a girl jumping (to say nothing of the hot Indian rockerz F4, who I absolutely LOVE!!!!!), also makes me feel special.
Sadly, I won't be in the Mumbai area on the 25th, since I have to go to a boring American bar mitzvah that day for my boss's nephew. But all I will be thinking about is the Music, the Masti, and the Rocking performance that I could totally be at instead, if not for the fact that I live thousands of miles away, which I'm sure you must have known even before you sent me this invitation.
But I really did want to take a minute to thank you, and to let you know how truly touched I was to know that you thought of me. Please keep me in mind for next time, even if I can't make it. Sometimes it's nice just to feel included, right?
Thanks a ton,
Smokey
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