Spotlight on my junk mail (yes, again)

From: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:31 PM
Subject: My Honest Desire

Hello,

I am Elaine Masters now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. David Masters who worked with United Kingdom Embassy for ten years before he died in the year 2002.

Before my Husband died, we both made a deposit of a total sum $8.6M in a financial company here in U.K. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have few months to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to an honest Person. who will be trusted to assist me in my last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you. Remember to send your response to this email address: mastelaine@gmail.com

In His Arms.

Mrs. Elaine Masters

***

From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: Your Honest Desire

Dear Mrs. Elaine Masters,

Thank you for contacting me with your offer to donate $8.6 million to me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't know quite how to respond to such an offer, or who might think that someone sending an unsolicited email offering to give $8.6 million to a stranger is too good to be true. Fortunately for you, I have a great deal of experience accepting huge random donations from people with limited functional English knowledge who have never met me.

So let's do this.

I'm sure the easiest way to arrange the transfer would be for me to forward my bank account information, including PIN numbers and online passwords and whatnot. But that's just what they'll be expecting us to do. So here's what I'm thinking instead: if you can arrange to get the $8.6 million in $20 bills, I will send you 430,000 stamped business envelopes, and you can mail the Jacksons to me one at a time.

I know this plan might seem inefficient and somewhat costly, but trust me when I tell you that you do not want the tax-related hassle of writing me a check, or directly depositing the funds into one of my many bank accounts. Too many questions. Too much paperwork. Too many sticky entanglements with the law. Too much marshmallow on my fluffernutter.

Besides which, I'm the one doing you a favor anyway. I'm not talking about assisting you in your last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity, I'm talking about the other favor I'm doing for you, which is to spare you the burden of being rich anymore. I'm sure you'll agree that this economic climate is not exactly hospitable to people who have lots of money. Why, just yesterday, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called for fatcat AIG executives who approved bonuses to their Financial Products division to either resign or commit suicide. Suicide! Just for being rich!

It's times like this when you have to ask yourself what the point of the American dream is. Well, not you, since you're apparently in U.K. Also because you have cancer problem and will be dead soon.

Anyway, the money. Let me know if my plan is acceptable to you, or if you have a different suggestion about how to get me the money. I say "different suggestion" and not "better suggestion" because honestly, I don't see how you can top my 430,000-envelope idea. But go ahead and try if you want to, chuckle chuckle chuckle.

Yours in song,
Smokey Robinson.

Unemployment Scam Alert - A Public Service Message from the blog

So apparently, this inauguration thing is a pretty big deal. Word on the "street" is that there's going to be speeches and a big parade, network coverage, and a whole slew of people freezing their keesters off, all to celebrate the fact that an old white dude from Texas is joining the swelling ranks of the unemployed.

Speaking of which, Texas's unemployment was sitting at 5.7 percent as of November '08. Add in George W. and whoever else lost their jobs in Texas in the past couple months, and it could easily top 6 percent when the next report comes out January 27th.

Why is this relevant?

Maybe it's all that sleuth-work I did yesterday twice solving the mystery of the crash of US Airways 1549, or maybe it's the fact that I've been wracking my brain trying to track down the Pee Bandit in the Canning Operations Division of Dole Fruit who keeps leaving the urinals full, or maybe it's the fact that I constantly smell conspiracies at work around me, but I smell a conspiracy at work around me.

Because pursuant to the unemployment extension signed into law by Gorge Bush last November, in states with unemployment rates higher than 6 percent, unemployed workers are eligible for an additional 13 weeks of benefits vs. states where the unemployment rate is underneath the 6 percent line.

So to all of my readers in the Dallas area, if you would please be so kind as to keep your eyes on the local unemployment offices to see if and when Mr. W. Bush shows up to file. He has to give a goodbye speech at Andrews Air Force Base Tuesday afternoon, and it's like a three-hour flight from DC to Texas, so I'm guessing he'll be the first guy in line Wednesday morning. I got a shiny nickel for the first person who sends in a photo.