Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Spotlight on my junk mail (yes, again)

From: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
To: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:31 PM
Subject: My Honest Desire

Hello,

I am Elaine Masters now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. David Masters who worked with United Kingdom Embassy for ten years before he died in the year 2002.

Before my Husband died, we both made a deposit of a total sum $8.6M in a financial company here in U.K. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have few months to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to an honest Person. who will be trusted to assist me in my last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you. Remember to send your response to this email address: mastelaine@gmail.com

In His Arms.

Mrs. Elaine Masters

***

From: Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
To: Elaine Masters [mastelaine@gmail.com]
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2008 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: Your Honest Desire

Dear Mrs. Elaine Masters,

Thank you for contacting me with your offer to donate $8.6 million to me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't know quite how to respond to such an offer, or who might think that someone sending an unsolicited email offering to give $8.6 million to a stranger is too good to be true. Fortunately for you, I have a great deal of experience accepting huge random donations from people with limited functional English knowledge who have never met me.

So let's do this.

I'm sure the easiest way to arrange the transfer would be for me to forward my bank account information, including PIN numbers and online passwords and whatnot. But that's just what they'll be expecting us to do. So here's what I'm thinking instead: if you can arrange to get the $8.6 million in $20 bills, I will send you 430,000 stamped business envelopes, and you can mail the Jacksons to me one at a time.

I know this plan might seem inefficient and somewhat costly, but trust me when I tell you that you do not want the tax-related hassle of writing me a check, or directly depositing the funds into one of my many bank accounts. Too many questions. Too much paperwork. Too many sticky entanglements with the law. Too much marshmallow on my fluffernutter.

Besides which, I'm the one doing you a favor anyway. I'm not talking about assisting you in your last desire to help the poor and the sick through charity, I'm talking about the other favor I'm doing for you, which is to spare you the burden of being rich anymore. I'm sure you'll agree that this economic climate is not exactly hospitable to people who have lots of money. Why, just yesterday, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called for fatcat AIG executives who approved bonuses to their Financial Products division to either resign or commit suicide. Suicide! Just for being rich!

It's times like this when you have to ask yourself what the point of the American dream is. Well, not you, since you're apparently in U.K. Also because you have cancer problem and will be dead soon.

Anyway, the money. Let me know if my plan is acceptable to you, or if you have a different suggestion about how to get me the money. I say "different suggestion" and not "better suggestion" because honestly, I don't see how you can top my 430,000-envelope idea. But go ahead and try if you want to, chuckle chuckle chuckle.

Yours in song,
Smokey Robinson.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a very funny piece. What is a man of your talent doing in here?

JIM

Fibbo said...

I just got a similar e-mail, although in mine "Mrs. Masters" talked about a sum of 4,800,000 GBP (instead of $8.6M) and her e-mail address was mrsemast@gmail.com (instead of mastelaine@gmail.com).

Still, great response! I'd have responded myself but somehow I felt it wouldn't be fit to hold a candle to yours anyway. ^^

ray1960 said...

Hi This is the mail I received today 27 May 2009. regards Azad
I don't really know who you are, but peace been unto you as you read this letter. My Instinct tells me that I can trust you by my proposition. I got your contact through business directory and My Instinct directed me to send this money to you. I am a widow, and my name is Mrs. Elaine Masters from England , married to Dr. David Masters, since my husband died, I have been suffering from arthritics and lately doctors have diagnosed me with terminal cancer which left me with approximately twelve months to live.

I am currently on wheelchair and being looked after by a nurse and some of my late husband's relatives in turns. Before my husband died, he left some money to the tone of £4, 800, 000, 00 (Four million, eight hundred thousand Pounds) and he made me promised him that it should be used for humanitarian work, because we have no children and he does not want his brothers to lay hand on it, since they don't believe in God, they have a different vision. This money is currently in a vault with a Deposit company in EUROPE. If you will promise me that you will use this money to achieve the wish of my husband and me which is to help the poor and the sick through charity, then I will instruct the deposit company to release the funds in your name.

Note that I don't speak much due to my illness; I will Appreciate if we communicate through email. Reply me through my email address:

For us to discuss so that you can go and claim this money before I die. May God bless you as you walk in the light and glory?

Thank you.

Yours In His Arms

Mrs. Elaine Masters

Geeo said...

I got a similar mail, and now I have 5,000,000 $$ in my bank account ^^