Spotlight on My Junk Mail (Also, Spotlight on My Male Junk)

Every once in a while, I get a piece of unsolicited mail that is so demographically attuned to me, I feel as if the sender has reached a finger up through the urethra of my erectile dysfunction-laden boy parts and touched my very soul. Today happens to be one of those days. Check this out:

From: Tomming Tarns [tomtar4mn@gmail.com]
To: oxbill@sarlin.net, Smokey R [clowntears@piealamodeproductions.com]
Date: Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Subject: You've got new message! chore pierce.

Enjoy yourself! Make everything in bed with your woman.
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Never in my life have I felt so completely understood and safe. Just the mere fact that they "know all problem in [my] sexual life" is an immeasurable comfort in these dire economic times.

It sort of also highlights just how far out-of-touch Jesus and I have fallen. I mean, I still go to Him for advice, but it's as if The Guy constantly falls back on 2,000-year-old parables and quotes and miscellaneous bullshit, rather than put in the effort to come up with anything newer.

Earth to J.C.: it's the 21st century! It's not like there's an 11th commandment that says, "Thou shalt not expect topical wisdom from Me or the Members of My Family," right? Get with it, Dude. I have been crying out for a way to make everything in bed with my woman, and where the hell has the Great Jesus Christ been?

"My child, keep your father's commandment, and do not forsake your mother's teaching. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the wife of another, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes." (Proverbs, 6:20-25)

Some fucking help You are, Jesus, if that IS your real name. We are so over, unless I really need You to help out the Dole Fruit volleyball team with our deep setting again.

Seriously, "capture you with her eyelashes?" W.T.Fuck? With confusing messages like that, it's no wonder Christians are so confused. This is half the reason why priests are constantly messing around with the erectile dysfunction-laden boy parts of their altar boy staff.

Ew, altar boy staff. Nasty.

See what I mean? The teachings of Jesus & Co. are a breeding ground for homo-SIN-uality and pedophilia. It's over between us, Son of Man. And to think, I once saved half a cucumber because I thought I saw your face in it. If I could go back now, I would totally eat that cucumber.

God, even that sounds gross.

Saves me please, Tomming Tarns! You and your lolcats-level understanding of English is my only hopes.