Friday, July 11, 2008

Another high water mark for American diplomacy

Word on the street is that Mr. President W. Bush ended a meeting at the G8 Summit in Japan with the following farewell:

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."

In terms of proud moments for America in Japan, I think this ranks just below President Bush I upchucking on the Prime Minister's lap in 1992, and just above Jerry Lewis's performance in the movie The Geisha Boy. (Sorry for that one, Tall Redhead. I had to.)

But there are two reasons I'm offended by this.

Reason 1: Do you have any idea how hard we've been playing the World's Biggest Polluter angle for the Oscar '08 campaign? I have gone to extraordinary lengths in the past several months to personally solidify America's standing as the preeminent contributor to global warming and environmental damage, just to make people feel more at home with a President who lives in a trash can. In April, I instituted a three-point plan to increase the size of my carbon footprint:
Smokey's Three-Point Plan to Increase My Carbon Footprint:

1. Buy a 1970s VW Bus and leave it idling all day, every day.
2. Print out all emails I receive, read them once, then burn them.
3. Wear really large shoes made out of carbon.
See? A three-point plan! My plan has points! Those points are threefold! And now this monkey-faced yokel is taking all the goddamn credit!

Reason 2: According to its charter, the stated purpose of the G-8 is "a renewed commitment to investment in the development of fruit and vegetable canning technology," so what the hell is President Goofus doing talking about pollution? Is he trying to score points with the Chinese by gently deflecting the fact that they have overtaken our polluting hegemony? Or is this part of some larger plan to keep the Candidate in the Trash Can down?

I see right through you, George W. Bush. You are as transparent as a window with no glass, or a doorway with no door, or a great big empty patch of unpolluted air above a country other than the U.S. or China. Also, much like my idling VW Bus, you stink.
Dear Jesus,

Please smite George W. Bush.

Thank You in advance for Your assistance with this matter.

Very truly yours,
Smokey Robinson.

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