Thursday, February 07, 2008

Please, for the love of Zod, do NOT TELL TIGER WOODS ABOUT THIS!

Could this be photographic evidence of the world's smallest turtle, an omen of destruction so terrifying and certain that all the small-turtle-as-omen stories were edited out of the Book of Revelation just so that mankind wouldn't completely lose hope (and not because their content was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of Assyria, as has been rumored for centuries)?

Or is it merely a picture of a raspberry roughly the size of a Hyundai, in which case, someone should eat that raspberry before it contributes unwittingly to a solution to global hunger, which would be outlawed in the US for being anticompetitive to farmers? All the farmers I know don't take kindly to being bullied by fruit. I know a thing or two about fruit, believe me (nullus).

Come to think of it, someone should eat that turtle too, before some professional athlete comes along and nabs it for his clandestine miniature turtle-fighting ring. Or at least, give the turtle a head start and let him escape on foot.

Those of you who are up on your New Testament might also remember this frightening little passage, which somehow managed to slip past the editor's chisel (the joke there being that the Bible writers were so primitive that they had to use stone tools to engrave it on stones, get it?):
Revelation 14:1-4

1And I looked, and, lo, a miniature Turtle stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads.

2And I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of Hyundai-sized raspberries harping with their harps:

3And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four Alpacas, and the pruned hedges: and no raspberry could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth.

4These are they which were not defiled with grapes; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the miniature Turtle whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among raspberries, being the firstfruits offered unto God and to the miniature Turtle, to make sacrifice of themselves by prizefighting within the Holy Fruitfighting Ring of Calvary.

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