Please, for the love of Zod, do NOT TELL TIGER WOODS ABOUT THIS!

Could this be photographic evidence of the world's smallest turtle, an omen of destruction so terrifying and certain that all the small-turtle-as-omen stories were edited out of the Book of Revelation just so that mankind wouldn't completely lose hope (and not because their content was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of Assyria, as has been rumored for centuries)?

Or is it merely a picture of a raspberry roughly the size of a Hyundai, in which case, someone should eat that raspberry before it contributes unwittingly to a solution to global hunger, which would be outlawed in the US for being anticompetitive to farmers? All the farmers I know don't take kindly to being bullied by fruit. I know a thing or two about fruit, believe me (nullus).

Come to think of it, someone should eat that turtle too, before some professional athlete comes along and nabs it for his clandestine miniature turtle-fighting ring. Or at least, give the turtle a head start and let him escape on foot.

Those of you who are up on your New Testament might also remember this frightening little passage, which somehow managed to slip past the editor's chisel (the joke there being that the Bible writers were so primitive that they had to use stone tools to engrave it on stones, get it?):

Revelation 14:1-4

1And I looked, and, lo, a miniature Turtle stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads.

2And I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of Hyundai-sized raspberries harping with their harps:

3And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four Alpacas, and the pruned hedges: and no raspberry could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth.

4These are they which were not defiled with grapes; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the miniature Turtle whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among raspberries, being the firstfruits offered unto God and to the miniature Turtle, to make sacrifice of themselves by prizefighting within the Holy Fruitfighting Ring of Calvary.

Lollipop translations

Translations of the epic poem, Lollipop, The Bear, with the original Anglo-Saxon included.

Hwæt. We Garbeara in geardagum,
Lo, praise of the prowess of bear-kings

þearodcyninga, þrym gefrunon,
of spear-armed Bears, in days long sped,

hu ða Chicago Cubþelingas ellen fremedon.
we have heard, and what honor the Chicago Cubs won!

Oft Sonneschen Gebeare sceaþena/ þreatum,
Oft Sunshine the Bear, from squadroned foes,

monegum Don Imus, meodosetla ofteah,
from many a Don Imus, the mead-bench tore,

egsode eorlas. Syððan ærest wearð/
awing the earls. Since erst he lay

Vespascuterceaft funden, he þæs frofre gebad,
Without a Vespa scooter, a foundling, fate repaid him:

weox under wolcnum, stici swit orðmyndum þah,
for he waxed under welkin, in a pot of honey he throve,

oðþæt him æghierflude ond Ostritcjen þara ymbsittendra
till before him the fireflies and ostritches, both far and near,

ofer hronrade hyran scolde,
who house by the whale-path, heard his mandate,

gomban gyldan ond fellatiæ. þæt wæs god cyning.
gave him gifts and blow-jobs: a good king he!

ðæm gebeareafera wæs æfter cenned,
To him a bear-heir was afterward born,

geong in geardum, þone god sende
a son in his halls, whom heaven sent

folce to frofre; fyrenðearfe ongeat
to favor the folk, feeling their woe

ond ulso fyrenð; fyr Helle ovit
and also feeling, just for the hell of it,

þe clavensticiswiten ðearfe pincitowen/
the sticky-sweet claw of their pinky toes, coated in honey

þe hie ær drugon aldorlease/
that erst they had lacked an earl for leader

lange hwile. Lollipop þæs liffrea,
so long a while; the Lord endowed Lollipop,

wuldres wealdend, woroldare forgeaf,
the Wielder of Wonder, with world's renown.

ond Rennebyw gemboydernd, lyewingdly gebepectoralis;
and a rainbow, lovingly embroidered on his chest.

Lollipop wæs breme blæd wide sprang/,
Famed was this Lollipop: far flew the boast of him,

Sonneschynes eafera Scedelandum in.
son of Sunshine, in the Scandian lands.

Swa sceal geong/ guma/ gode gewyrcean,
So becomes it a youth to quit him well

fromum feohgiftum on fæder bearme/,
with his father's bear-friends, by fee and gift,

ond Vespascuterfromum, geblasend
and with his Vespa Scooter, emblazoned with

pinc scylwig ond pinc bonem allcræssen,
a skull and crossbones, the color of a summer-tulip,

þæt hine on ylde eft gewunigen
that to aid him, aged, in after days,

wilgesiþas, þonne Don Imus cume.
come warriors willing, should Don Imus draw nigh.

Him ða Sonneschyn gewat to gescæphwile
Forth he fared at the fated moment,

felahror feran on frean wære Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
sturdy Sunshine to the shelter of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Hi hyne þa ætbæron to brimes faroðe,
Then they bore him over to ocean's billow,

swæse gesiþas, swa he selfa bæd,
loving clansmen, as late he charged them,

þenden wordum weold wine Sonnescheninga;
while wielded words the winsome Sunshine,

leof landfruma lange ahte.
the leader beloved who long had ruled....

þær æt hyðe stod hringedstefna,
In the roadstead rocked a ring-dight vessel,

isig ond utfus, Chicago Cubþelinges fær.
ice-flecked, outbound, Chicago Cub’s barge:

Aledon þa leofne þeoden-beare,
there laid they down their darling teddy bear

beaga bryttan, on bearm scipes,
on the teat of the boat, the breaker-of-rings,

mærne be mæste. þær wæs madma Vespascuter
with his genitalia firm and full. Many a Vespa Scooter

of feorwegum, frætwa, gelæded;
fetched from far was freighted with him.

ne hyrde ic cymlicor ceol gegyrwan
No ship have I known so nobly dight

hildewæpnum ond heaðowædum,
with weapons of war and weeds of battle,

billum ond byrnum; him on bearme læg,
with front-clasping bra and blade: on his bosom lay,

ond fytme potso stici swit,
and pots of honey on both of his feet,

madma mænigo, þa him mid scoldon
a heaped hoard that hence should go

on flodes æht feor gewitan.
far o'er the flood with him floating away.

ða wæs on burgum Lollipop Sonnescheninga,
Now Lollipop bode in the burg of the Sunshinelings,

leof leodcyning, longe þrage
leader beloved, and long he ruled

folcum gefræge gefæder ellor Vespascuter,
in fame with all folk, riding his Vespa Scooter

geflærde fromme scylwig ond pinc bonem allcræssen,
beflowered with skull and crossbones

gebearen Chicago Cubþelingen fær scylde,
and shouting at his bear subjects,

ond all cubbengebearen om Wyrlde/
and at all little bearcubs everywhere

þæt wæs foremærost fær modderfycker
that he was the foremost motherfucker

þa ðe Mycsingunceattas Ay-cay fyrtysevyn
whosoever had toted a machine gun

allen londen Scedelandum in
in all the lands of Scandia

þær he folc ahte glæde Sonnescheningas
or ruled o’er the glad Sunshinelings

ironfæstad, geblodegod wearð stici swit...
with an iron fist, covered in honey…