Friday, February 08, 2008

Invest in Mach III and Foamy!!

If the rumors leaking out of Michael Eisner's arugula and poached pear with candied walnuts-filled mouth are to be believed, the writer's strike will soon be over. And you know what that means, people. It means that the strike beards are coming off. Seriously, if I had any money (which I don't, because I blew it all on an iPhone and iPhone-related accessories), I would buy stock in the following companies:

1. Procter and Gamble: P&G owns Gillette, a company that artfully combines plastic and metal to make the razors which will be used to neaten up the faces of the writers before they trudge back into the shackles at the bases of their drafting tables on Monday morning.

2. ExxonMobil: In part, I'd invest in ExxonMobil because they have managed to thrive in these grim economic times by continuing to jack up the prices and posting record profits while the rest of the economy undergoes George Costanza-like shrinkage (my kind of business model!). Mostly, though, it's because they make the gasoline that will power the writers' jalopies back onto the congested LA freeway system.

3. Apple Computer: Even though they don't make their computers out of apples, as the name suggests, they still have really cool commercials, which appeal to hip, young, iPhone-toting investors like me. Unfortunately, I spend so many hours a day being hip and fucking around with my iPhone that I don't have any time left over to focus on investing all that money I don't have.

Of course, you can't trust everything an Eisner tells you. Take for instance, Dan Eisner, a guy I knew in college who claimed (at the height of the internet boom, no less) that he would be happy to support himself - and his family - on $15,000 a year, provided that he was doing what he loved.

All right, maybe he was telling the truth and maybe he wasn't. Come to think of it, I can't come up with a single specific instance of Dan Eisner actually lying to me - certainly not anything that would warrant my calling him out in this here nationally syndicated blog here. But he did have an inordinate amount of back hair, and some very strange toes. And as my mother always said, "you can't trust a guy with an inordinate amount of back hair and very strange toes. If he only had one or the other, then maybe. Maybe. But never both. Now eat your Malt-O-Meal and go help your father haul the Hyundai-sized raspberries to the market."

Oh, mom. Such a card.

The point is, don't trust Eisners. But seriously, do call your broker and buy Procter and Gamble stock. This strike is bound to end sometime. And when it does, the waves of the Pacific Ocean will run black with the trimmed facial hair clippings of the suffering scribes who have refused to tell us what's going to happen with Jim and Pam.

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