Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Silver Lining on the Ash Wednesday Cloud

I'll never understand how Ash Wednesday manages to creep up on an unsuspecting me every year, even in the years when I mention it in blog pieces that I write the day before. But here it is again, the magical day when priests and ministers take a much needed rest from molesting their altar boys to spread the burnt remains of last year's Palm Sunday palms on the foreheads of their parishioners so that Catholics and Presbyterians and Christians of every stripe can be singled out for persecution a la the Jews.

Seriously, if you were Jewish, wouldn't you be lifting up your yarmulke to scratch your head right now about the wisdom of a religious group wearing around a mark that clearly delineates them - VOLUNTARILY? Because I would, if I were Jewish. But I'm not Jewish. I just happen to have the curly hair is all - inherited, oddly enough, from my Mexican ancestry. I'm not gay either. I just happen to love musical theater is all - also inherited, oddly enough, from my Mexican ancestry. Don't ask me how. It has something to do with genetics is all, and I'm no geneticist. I am but a mere processing clerk for a worldwide fruit conglomerate with a head full of nearly black ringlets, a heart full of "What's New, Buenos Aires?" from Evita, and Alex Rodriguez's phone number and email address in my Plaxo contacts list.

As a matter of fact, if I were Jewish, I'd probably be pretty pissed off that another group was trying to horn in on the persecution racket, an industry that has traditionally been monopolized by the Chosen People. Then I'd probably spend my Ash Wednesday making snarky remarks to all the Christians I saw about how it should be called Ass Wednesday because those dark stains didn't really look like ASH stains, if you catch my drift. (My drift, by the way, is an implication of poop on your face. Tee hee!) And then every Friday during Lent, I would eat a great big bacon double cheeseburger from Burger King while all the Catholics were busy eating fish. And I'd be like, "mmm, this bacon dub chee from BK is soooo gooooood," and I'd be all wiping barbecue sauce off my chin while little Johnny O'Catholic was fighting not to barf out his host-wafer-crusted Orange Roughy and then skipping dessert because he gave it up for Lent, just like Jesus intended.

Anyway, that's not really what's buggin' me about Ash Wednesday this year. What's really buggin' me is that apparently none of the major party candidates saw their shadows last night, so there will be at least SIX MORE WEEKS of campaigning before we even have NOMINEES. Seriously, how can they call it Super Tuesday when nothing super happened at all? Even the Giants victory parade had a note of anticipatory melancholy underneath it, as it slowly dawned on the drunk New York crowd just how many column inches of political reporting they had been spared thanks to Eli Manning and his fancy feet. And while Manning and the Giants provided further proof that, just as Sassy said to Chance in the movie Homeward Bound, "cats rule and dogs drool," it obviously wasn't enough to buttress the spirits of the dejected Giants fans as they emptied out of Manhattan last night and went back to their homes in Staten Island and New Jersey.

Just look at all this sadness and dejection:

But there is some good news. The Oscar the Grouch '08 campaign appears to be gaining steam!

If you look at the polling numbers and vote percentages from the states that held primary elections yesterday, you can see very easily that great swaths of voters are still unaccounted for. Take, for example, Colorado where, with 99% of Democratic and 95 % of Republican precincts reporting, the vote percentage breakdown is as follows, with poorly conceived Flinstones-style name puns included:

Mitt "Rocks" Romney - 59%
John "Older than the Hills" McCain - 19%
Mike "Doesn't Believe in Evolution Because He Has a Stone Brain" Huckabee - 13%
Ron "Pebbles" Paul - 8%
Rudy "Rocky Road" Giuliani - 0%

"Brokebarack Mountain" Obama - 67%
"Hill"ary Clinton - 32 %
John "Boulder Face" Edwards - 0%

You can do the math yourself if you like, but I'll tell you right now that those both add up to 99%. So even assuming those percentages hold, that still leaves 1 percent of Democrats and 1 percent of Republicans unaccounted for. And given the persuasiveness and eloquence of my campaign to write-in Oscar, I think we know where those votes probably went.

You can thank me for the good news later, America, after you wipe that stain off your face.

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