I leave you alone for FIVE MEASLY DAYS, and THIS is what happens?

What the hell, Popular Culture Scene? What gives? I take ONE little super-extended weekend so I can move all my belongings to New York City, and the world goes topsy-turvy on me!! Castro resigns! Lindsay Lohan nude in New York Magazine! A black man running for President of the United States of America!

The new apartment is lovely, by the way, thank you for NOT ASKING!

What am I supposed to think about this? How will I be comfortable using any of my myriad remaining vacation days if this is the sort of happenstance I have to look forward to? How can I sleep at night knowing that titillating news stories could, like a bad attack of "the vapors", be breaking behind my back if I don't remain vigilant all the livelong day? How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your things, young man? Who framed Roger Rabbit?

I honestly don't even know what to say except... THANK YOU! Pretty soon, we'll all be able to sit back and smoke Cohibas with naked Lindsay Lohan while President Obama does something stereotypically black and sitcom-y at a state dinner. It'll be just like the 1986 comedy Soul Man (starring C. Thomas Howell and Rae Dawn Chong), except that, you know, it won't suck. And also, James Earl Jones's part will be significantly smaller.

(Oops, I just said James Earl Jones's part would be smaller. Tee hee!)

Oh, and a quick note for Mister Senator Barack Hussein Obama: don't worry if the whole American presidency thing doesn't work out for you. Looks like Cuba is going to have an opening pretty soon...

(Oops, I just said Cuba would have an opening! Tee hee again!)

Feast your eyes on this week's newsmakers...