Wednesday, March 05, 2008

"What happened today," whatever that's supposed to mean...

Well, Hillary Clinton won in Texas and Ohio, proving once again that anyone with a vagina whose name isn't John Kerry can win in Texas and Ohio. And, just like before, the eyes of hopeful women and African-descended Americans will be turned toward the Democratic party to see which minority will be overlooked, become disillusioned, and vote for Ralph Nader, paving the way for the upstart Oscar the Grouch '08 campaign to sweep the first Muppet President into the White House in January. Talk about your neglected minorities.

Still, it's not the fractious primary season that has me all bugaboo today, nor is it the results from Texas and Ohio themselves. What's eating at me is an email that was sent to Sarah early this morning by none other than Barack Obama himself. That's right, Barack Obama is emailing MY GIRLFRIEND.

At 4:00 in the morning!

From the campaign trail!!

And get this: they're apparently on a first-name basis too.
From: Barack Obama []
To: Sarah []
Date: Wed, Mar 5, 2008 at 4:24 AM
Subject: What happened today

Sarah --

We may not know the final outcome of today's voting until morning, but the results so far make one thing clear.

When the dust settles from today's contests, we will maintain our substantial lead in delegates. And thanks to millions of people standing for change, we will keep adding delegates and capture the Democratic nomination.

We knew from the day we began this journey that the road would be long. And we knew what we were up against.

We knew that the closer we got to the change we seek, the more we'd see of the politics we're trying to end -- the attacks and distortions that try to distract us from the issues that matter to people's lives, the stunts and the tactics that ask us to fear instead of hope.

But this time -- this year -- it will not work. The challenges are too great. The stakes are too high.

Americans need real change.

In the coming weeks, we will begin a great debate about the future of this country with a man who has served it bravely and loves it dearly. And we will offer two very different visions of the America we see in the twenty-first century.

John McCain has already dismissed our call for change as eloquent but empty.

But he should know that it's a call that did not begin with my words. It's the resounding call from every corner of this country, from first-time voters and lifelong cynics, from Democrats and Republicans alike.

And together you and I are going to grow this movement to deliver that change in November.

Thank you,

Nice veiled innuendo with that subject line, B.O. "What happened today," huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean, anyway? Is that shorthand for something I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT ABOUT?

W.T. Fuck?

I don't even know what to say about this. You scrimp and you save, and then you take all your hard-earned money and, instead of buying a Hyundai-sized raspberry or a raspberry-sized Hyundai, you spend it on a security deposit and a broker's fee so that you can live with a woman who turns out to be on a FIRST-NAME EMAIL BASIS WITH BARACK OBAMA AT 4:24 IN THE MORNING!

Not cool.

Then again, here I am practically running Oscar the Grouch's campaign all by myself, to the obvious neglect of my significant other. You know how I spent this past weekend? Trying to line up Vice Presidential candidates for the Grouch '08 ticket, that's how. I don't even remember what Sarah was doing the entire time. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I remember Sarah asking me to lift the other end of something heavy while I was on the phone at one point. I wonder what happened with that...

I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Sarah has gone Barack, and she may never go back. And it's all my fault.

Maybe I can make it up to her by voting for Hillary Clinton. She's a girl too, I hear! I bet Sarah would really appreciate that.

As for Barack Obama, I have some change for you if you're interested. It's 28 cents, left over from buying a bagel and an herbal tea this morning. I was going to give it to a homeless person later, but it sounds as if you and your supporters could really use it.

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