Wednesday, March 12, 2008

This is why you should eat oranges.

All right, this is total bullcrap. Why is Goofus catching heat for taking the last apple while Gallant gets rewarded for sharing his orange? Do we have conclusive evidence that the orange wasn't the last orange? Maybe it was the next-to-last piece of fruit in the bowl. Maybe that diabolical fucker Gallant just took the orange so he could set Goofus up by leaving only the one apple. Maybe Goofus was heading to the kitchen for a knife so he could cut his apple up and give segments to other people, unlike Gallant, who took the pre-sectioned fruit just to make himself look like a goddamn hero! And then maybe Goofus got caught with the knife and someone thought the wrong thing, and he ended up in Guantanamo as an enemy combatant while Gallant cheated his way into the White House and authorized Goofus's captors to waterboard him. I hate President Gallant, that orange-sharing piece of shit.

And by the way, what the hell is so wrong with taking the last piece of fruit anyway? Should Goofus just leave it in the bowl so it can rot, just so no one will think he's rude? What about the starving children in Afghanistan and Iraq who have no fruit in the first place because of the shambles made of their economic infrastructure through years of outside intervention? Maybe Goofus was thinking of those poor, starving Iraqi orphans and being conscientious enough not to waste food, while Gallant was sending in the Army to bomb those orphans' parents!

Yeah, I said "orphans' parents." What?

I'd be willing to bet that sneaky little prick Gallant wants something in exchange for that fruit too. You think people just walk around handing out fruit, expecting nothing in return? Oh no, they don't. Goofus is scrambling to get his daily recommended allowance of fruits and vegetables in a household where quite obviously his parents don't provide him the nutrition he needs, while Gallant is busy trading orange wedges for sexual favors and political clout. I mean, just look at that sense of entitlement in Gallant's eyes, as if just having a piece of fruit is any sort of basis for establishing authority in a supposedly free society! I don't care if his father gave him that orange after he lost the 1992 election to Bill Clinton! That orange was paid for with United States tax dollars! It belongs to the people, asshole!

I'm more concerned about poor Goofus anyway, who obviously doesn't have extra fruit lying around with which to bribe the neighborhood girls so they'll pay attention to him. Goofus will probably grow up thinking the wrong things about women and believing he has to pay for sex. And then one day in 2008, after Goofus gets elected governor of New York, he'll be implicated in a busted prostitution ring, while that scumbag prickwad Gallant and his myopic economic and foreign policies drive the price of gas and food through the roof in America.

The moral of this story? Highlights for Children is completely morally backward. Stay away from it. Do not be taken in by the lies and deception. And also, if you have a choice between fucking a hooker and losing your job, or fucking the entire Middle East along with the economy and the security of your own country and not getting impeached, TAKE THE ORANGE.


Pete said...

It's also worth pointing out that it is far more easy to share an orange than an apple.

I'll be back with more later, but this is an outrage!

I think we should boycott Highlights.

Smokey Robinson (aka Matt) said...

Yes! Amen and hallelujah, down with Highlights for Children! This is a campaign I can get behind! Those smug bastards...

Let's get to work.

Pete said...

How dare they infect the nation's grubby little urchins with their whitebread dogma!