Thursday, March 06, 2008

Out of the way, Dan Rather!

All right, look here, Joy Behar, et al., you may know a thing or two about fashion and cooking and having your period and whatever else women know about, but you do not know ANYTHING about sexy men from the '70s and early '80s. Dan Rather, sex god??!?!!? Dan Rather isn't even a sex minor deity*!

Let's quickly recap who the sexiest men of my early childhood are:

It's a two-man race at the top, as I have said before. No one short of Jesus himself could get past Fred Rogers and Bob Barker. And since Jesus lives in all of us, including Freddy R. and Bobby B., any advantage on either side is nullified. (I'm talking to you, Mister Rogers, if that is your real name. Just because you were an ordained minister back when you were still breathing does not mean that you automatically get a Jesus-looks credit. Also, Jesus himself didn't even make the top 10, so is that really someone you want on your side? I'm just saying.)

After Barker and Rogers comes Dan Fogelberg, and rounding out the top 5 are Kenny Rogers and Mr. Greenjeans from Captain Kangaroo.

Beyond that, you're getting into the territory occupied by fictional characters, like Luke Duke (not that fugly Bo) and He-Man and the aforementioned Jesus. Dan Rather maybe - maybe - could crack the top 25, but he's not even the sexiest CBS News anchor as far as I'm concerned. That honor goes to his distinguished forebear Walter Cronkite, after whose example I have patterned my own attempt to grow facial hair and jowls.

* At least, not according to Dungeons & Dragons Deities and Demigods of Sexy TV Journalism handbook that stood on my bedside table for most of 1987 and 1988.

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