Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Sexpensive Sexonomics

Okay, so Heather Mills McCartney was awarded a settlement in the neighborhood of $48 million for divorcing Paul McCartney, the world's only surviving Beatle, assuming that you don't count Pete Best. Because nobody counts Ringo, am I right? Who's with me?... Anyone? ... John Lennon?... Anyone?

I knew the economy was souring, but have times really gotten so tight that all you get for $48 million is ONE LOUSY DIVORCE? Dude, Paul, you just basically rented Heather Mills for five years for 48 MILLION DOLLARS, man! That's roughly $24 million per breast! Or $48 million per leg!

I can think of a crazy number of ways I would rather spend that money. Like, how about buying 20 percent of JP Morgan's stake in the Bear Stearns fire sale last weekend? Or how about scheduling 11,162 2-hour sessions with Eliot Spitzer's 3-diamond hooker girlfriend? Is oil still trading at $110 a barrel? Because $48 million would buy a little bit more than 436,000 barrels of oil - enough to run all the Hummers in America for four whole minutes each.

Hell, if I had that kind of money, I could buy 13 million boxes of delicious Thin Mints cookies from the Girl Scouts, and stay so hopped up on chocolate and mint that I'd probably forget all about my marital troubles in the first place.

Better yet, what about the hundreds of freaky amputee cripples wandering the streets of Mumbai, or wherever the hell Sir Pauly Mac lives? (He's from India, isn't he? Seriously, where is that accent from?) What about their dreams of marrying an ex-Beatle and landing a job on Dancing with the Stars, or running in the Special Olympics, or finally being able to afford that cup of coffee and some fresh cardboard for their "help a Vietnam veteran" sign? I don't know what these people dream about, I'm just saying, why is it fair that all that money goes to just one disfigured person when there are so many much more needy disfigured people out there, some of whom are probably also gay?

Check this out:

For $5,000 to $7,000, a patient can get a serviceable below-the-knee prosthesis that allows the user to stand and walk on level ground. By contrast, a $10,000 device will allow the person to become a "community walker," able to go up and down stairs and to traverse uneven terrain.

A prosthetic leg in the $12,000 to $15,000 price range will facilitate running and functioning at a level nearly indistinguishable from someone with two legs.

- Inland News (Southern California)
May 14, 2006

That means that, even with just the highest-end prosthetics, Paul McCartney could have been the benefactor of 3,200 legs to somewhere between 1,600 and 3,200 lucky people, instead of spending the $48 million to get rid of just one.

All this points to just one conclusion: Heather Mills must have been fucking terrible in bed.

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