Okay, first imagine a very realistic scenario. (If it helps, picture a sign in the background that says, "VERY REALISTIC SCENARIO," or "THIS IS A VERY REALISTIC SCENARIO," or something like that. Use your imagination. Quit stealing mine.)
GUY: You are like a hot and crusty bagel, only not crusty.The truly sad part is that it works. I have seen it happen. It is not pretty. It is also not hot, nor is it crusty, though I think the potential is there for it to be both. But whatever weird process is responsible for crustal formation, I really don't want to see it.
GIRL: (feels heart melt like butter on a hot and crusty bagel, leaps into guy's arms and starts violently humping him in the middle of a crowd of morning commuters.)
The hot and crusty angle replaces the previous best pickup line EVER, which was, "you're as sexy as the ocean, and thank god you're not as salty because that would really screw with my high blood pressure," for what should be obvious reasons. You can't go around lying to women, especially when it comes to their own salt content and its competitiveness with the ocean. They're going to find out sooner or later, and they're probably going to blame you. Also, if you really do have hypertension (you know who you are), you're going to be completely screwed when you find out how wrong you were.
Trust me, it's not pretty. It'll make you long for the days when your biggest worry was heat and crustiness.
Men, women, small cartoon dogs, you can all thank me later. Remember, I could totally have kept this to myself and scored all the hot and crusty ladies in Manhattan, only not the crusty ones.
What's up with all the exclamation points? How troublesome.
What's up with all the anonymous comments? Why don't you come out and comment like a man?
Possible acceptable answers:
-because you're a woman
-because you're a Smurf
Maybe a woman and a smurf >> smurfette.
Or maybe Pele.
OH MY GOD!!!! PELE IS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!!!!
SORRY ABOUT THE EXCLAMATION POINTS, P-DOG!!!!
It's just a shame that an otherwise talented writer such as Matthew J. Hooban has felt the need to express himself with abundant punctuation. Shouldn't the power of the chosen words and phrases be enough to convey such shock/importance/etc.? Or has he forgotten this power?
I reiterate, without an explosion, without lava, without noxious fumes: how troublesome.
Wow. I must have really offended you, Pele. For that, I am truly sorry. Please don't tase me, bro.
It's all this runaway exclamation point inflation is what it is. It's got me all bugaboo. The exclamation point isn't worth what it once was though, what can I say? It's as devalued as the Mexican peso, you know?
Meanwhile, I'm overstocked on vowels, which if you've ever read text messages, are going the way of the dodo.
My apologies to you, Pele, and to all the other native speakers of Portuguese who might see this as reason to question my writerly integrity in a foreign language.
Not to sound too Vanna White or anything, but would you like to buy a vowel, by any chance?
Still have your mind wrapped in sports, eh? This Pele is far more ancient. Magma runs through these veins as words. I don't buy vowels. I own them.
It is with great regret that I inform you that Pelé has gone insane. Below is a link to his real bio, so you can appreciate just how sad this decline is.
I think it's my fault, readers, and I'm sorry. In fact, I'm sorry to the entire soccer-loving world. I have let you down, and all I can ask is that you please refrain from tasing me, bro.
I detest those bums at Hot and Crusty. I asked for a banana muffin, paid for the muffin, and went to my office anticipating the rich taste of flour, sugar, banana and walnuts to discover a raisin muffin. sigh. Another $1.65 down the tubes.
Note the difference in spellings. Rutgers didn't teach you much, did they? What a shame.
Oh, and by the way, some of that fire might still be in your veins, try as you might to rid yourself of it.
Pretty feisty for a Smurf chick. Don't you have, like, an entire tribe of little blue men to tease?
Just you, Matthew. Just you.
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