I do not call my iPhone Knickers for all the rich comedic possibilities of the word "knickers," nor do I call him that as a reference to women's underwear. I call him Knickers (yes, by the way, I have assigned him gender) as part of a tribute to the band of Maori tribesmen who offered me food and shelter and warm clothes when I mistakenly took what I thought was a "summer vacation" in New Zealand, only to discover that New Zealand is in the southern hemisphere, where our summer corresponds to their winter, which is probably why I got such a good deal on the airfare. Anyway, the tribe was known as Koutouhaunga, which they assured me was a transliteration of the English word "knickers."
All right, I made all of that up. I just thought the name sounded good. Also, I liked it for its rich comedic possibilities, as well as the fact that it refers to ladies undergarments, or "unnapance," as the Koutouhaunga say. But more importantly, I thought, nay, I knew that "Knickers" was my idea.
Then I saw this.
Seems all fine and dandy, right? Lily Allen, essentially tipping her cap to me and my iPhone. Which is cool, because I imagine Knickers as a dainty, foppish sort of fellow, and a shout-out from L-Al is just the sort of thing he would looooove! I can just see him bragging to his iPhone friends over cosmos and guac, can't you? Granted, I'm not wild about the phrasing, but I'm also not as friendly with the editors of news.com.au as I used to be.
But even though the article was concerning a lingerie campaign for the brand Agent Provocateur, the headline still stuck with me, a little uncomfortably. So this morning, I did a Google Search for Lily Allen and knickers.
All I can say is OMG. OMG, people.
There are like, thirteen separate things that terrify me about this, such as the "about 30,100" results that Google came up with in "0.20 seconds." What the frick? But even scarier was this article from NME.com:
Excuse me, what was that? HER knickers? Whose side is the press on? And what is Lily Allen's increasingly suspicious agenda? Because I swear, if she comes anywhere near my iPhone, it's going to be all-out war. I will not give up my Knickers without a fight!