Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Out of my g-ddamned way!

There are three kinds of people I hate dealing with on New York-New Jersey mass transit:

1. People with open, festering sores and lesions,

2. People who take the whole situation personally, and

3. The gays.

I happened to run into a lady this evening just outside the C train at 34th Street who was cursing and making faces at the crowd like they just ran off with her puppy. I normally try to stay well clear of situations that might bring me in contact with such people. But when she ended up behind me, and I heard her cursing me as if I were lightly sautéing said puppy in extra virgin olive oil with capers and some pressed garlic, that's when I had to take exception.

So I deliberately started walking slowly and kind of side-to-side, because if there's one thing I like doing, it's goading angry, elderly women into fights with me. Suddenly, she's all, "oh now look at this Jew with his six feet of hair, goddamn little bastard. Hurry the hell up, Jew, this isn't the line for the camps!"

(Side note: I'm not Jewish. I just have dark, curly hair is all, which makes misidentifying me an easy mistake in New York where everyone is a total racist. Or maybe it's that I'm circumcised.)

Anyway, I wheeled around on this broad like my feet were on wheels, and I said, "how friggin' rude can you get, lady? You think I'm getting in your way on purpose?"

"Baaaaah," she said angrily, "I think everyone is getting in my way on purpose! All the time!"

"That's a total wad of baby crap," I said. "You're just paranoid is all."

"Baaaaaaaaah, that's what you all think!"

I had had enough by then. "Look, lady," I said, "no one is doing this to you personally, okay? They're doing it to me personally." Which, by the way, is so true.

She left with a chorus of epithets and sheep noises trailing behind her like toilet paper stuck to a person's heel, and I watched, revolted, as she headed for the stairs toward Penn Station and Madison Square Garden, the lesbian bitch. I really hate those gays.


Pete said...

Given your location, I'm shocked there weren't lots of real Jews who would have overheard and then been offended by her comments.

You know who else I would add to your list of people you hate on NJ Transit?

The pushers.

I always hated, or more accurately, feared them.

On NJ Transit or any other track-based transportation system, for that matter.

One great fear of mine is getting pushed. Like the guy in that episode of Homicide.

I always stand far, far back.

Anyway, what's up with your sudden surge in blogging? It is welcomed, of course, but interesting.

Have you gotten to the point in your new gig where you feel you can do the job in less than the time allotted, and are comfortable enough to while away the spare time on the Internets?

Smokey Robinson (aka Matt) said...

A lot of times, I think about what it would be like to become a pusher - not so much from the standpoint of what it would take to get me past the brink, but what's holding me back from going over that brink as it is.

As for the surge in blogging, it might go hand-in-hand with the fact that I have essentially stopped communicating with people. Or it might be that I have come to the decision that, in the words of someone far more meaningful and wise than I am, "I am a writer, and a writer writes."

What a jackass.