Later, that same week...
[A phone rings.]
Wal-Mart Employee: Oh hi! Thank you for calling The Wall-Marts.
Perfectly Gruntled Minnesotan: Yes, I'd like to order a cake.
Wal-Mart Employee: What that is?
Still Gruntled Minnesotan: A cake? Like... what you serve at birthdays and going-away parties?
Wal-Mart Employee: Does you mean a balloon?
Slightly Less Gruntled Minnesotan: Um... sure.
Wal-Mart Employee: Oh, sorry, The Wall-Marts no does sell balloons. I has to go now. [Drools audibly.]
Minnesotan Hanging On To That Last Little Morsel of Gruntle: Are you drooling audibly? [Beat.] Hello?
[A phone rings.]
Another Wal-Mart Employee: Oh hi! This is The Wall-Marts!
Minnesotan: Um... uh... can I... do you have a bakery department?
Another Wal-Mart Employee: A baking green apartment? Hi! This is The Wall-Marts!
Minnesotan: Right, I know. Is there a bakery department in Wal-Mart?
Another Wal-Mart Employee: Um... you hangs on ok? [Muffled:] Does we has a baking green apartment at The Wall-Marts? [Falls down.]
Minnesotan: This is ridiculous. I'll just check on the website. [Hangs up, begins to seriously lose gruntle.]
[A phone rings.]
Wal-Mart Bakery Employee: Hi! You are calling The Wall-Marts Baking Green Apartment!
Disgruntled, But Still Naive and Trusting Minnesotan: Hi, yes, I'd like to order a cake for a going away party.
Wal-Mart Bakery Employee: Ok grate! I is happy to insist you! What is cakefur?
Minnesotan With Adjectives Listed Above: It's for a going away party.
Wal-Mart Bakery Employee: Um, ok grate!
That Same Minnesotan: And can you write on it, "good luck, Marie," and then an exclamation point, and then on the line below that, "we wish you all the best," no wait, just "we wish you the best" is fine?
Wal-Mart Bakery Employee: [Long pause.] Um... ok grate? Does you has pick up cake on next week?
Minnesotan Heading For, Like, Three Separate Disappointments: What? Next week? No, I need it by Friday.
Wal-Mart Bakery Employee: Friday. Ok grate! [Shits self.]
Minnesotan Who Obviously Voted for Jesse Ventura and Therefore Has A Sad and Misplaced Trust in Things Working the Way They're Supposed To: Okay. Thanks. Um... bye. [Hangs up.]
5 comments:
The best part is that it doesn't even say "underneath" but "Under Neat". You are so Under Neat Suzanne! Best Wishes!
No, the best part is the hilarious imaginary dialogue I wrote afterwards. It has nothing to do with Suzanne or the Neat under which we will miss her. What the hell are you talking about?
And the dialogue was funny too...
Does Minnesota at least get any credit for electing Paul Wellstone (this before he was killed by a terrible pilot in a fiery plane crash)?
Of course they do. I'm a fair guy. It's just that it didn't seem to play as well in the scope of this story to emphasize their moderate tendencies, or the fact that they have occasionally made sensible electoral decisions.
Mondale '84!
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