Thursday, November 01, 2007

Wal-Mart Changes Name to Wal-Smart
And Then On the Next Line
You Can Totally Tell Why in Parentheses

This picture was sent to me by Karyn, a devoted reader of and leaver of anonymous comments on YATOPNRTB. It's a picture of a cake delivered by a Wal-Mart in Minnesota for a going away party for a woman named Suzanne. I know how hard it is to generate any compassion about bad things happening to people who order cakes from Wal-Mart and live in states where they elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura governor and then followed him up with a Republican (I'm talking to you, Tim Pawlenty, you bow-legged hack!). But in this case, it's the stupidity of the Wal-Mart bakery employee that takes the cake. Pun intended.


Later, that same week...

[A phone rings.]
Wal-Mart Employee: Oh hi! Thank you for calling The Wall-Marts.

Perfectly Gruntled Minnesotan: Yes, I'd like to order a cake.

Wal-Mart Employee
: What that is?

Still Gruntled Minnesotan
: A cake? Like... what you serve at birthdays and going-away parties?

Wal-Mart Employee
: Does you mean a balloon?

Slightly Less Gruntled Minnesotan
: Um... sure.

Wal-Mart Employee
: Oh, sorry, The Wall-Marts no does sell balloons. I has to go now. [Drools audibly.]

Minnesotan Hanging On To That Last Little Morsel of Gruntle
: Are you drooling audibly? [Beat.] Hello?


[A phone rings.]

Another Wal-Mart Employee
: Oh hi! This is The Wall-Marts!

Minnesotan
: Um... uh... can I... do you have a bakery department?

Another Wal-Mart Employee
: A baking green apartment? Hi! This is The Wall-Marts!

Minnesotan
: Right, I know. Is there a bakery department in Wal-Mart?

Another Wal-Mart Employee
: Um... you hangs on ok? [Muffled:] Does we has a baking green apartment at The Wall-Marts? [Falls down.]

Minnesotan
: This is ridiculous. I'll just check on the website. [Hangs up, begins to seriously lose gruntle.]


[A phone rings.]

Wal-Mart Bakery Employee
: Hi! You are calling The Wall-Marts Baking Green Apartment!

Disgruntled, But Still Naive and Trusting Minnesotan
: Hi, yes, I'd like to order a cake for a going away party.

Wal-Mart Bakery Employee
: Ok grate! I is happy to insist you! What is cakefur?

Minnesotan With Adjectives Listed Above
: It's for a going away party.

Wal-Mart Bakery Employee
: Um, ok grate!

That Same Minnesotan
: And can you write on it, "good luck, Marie," and then an exclamation point, and then on the line below that, "we wish you all the best," no wait, just "we wish you the best" is fine?

Wal-Mart Bakery Employee
: [Long pause.] Um... ok grate? Does you has pick up cake on next week?

Minnesotan Heading For, Like, Three Separate Disappointments
: What? Next week? No, I need it by Friday.

Wal-Mart Bakery Employee
: Friday. Ok grate! [Shits self.]

Minnesotan Who Obviously Voted for Jesse Ventura and Therefore Has A Sad and Misplaced Trust in Things Working the Way They're Supposed To
: Okay. Thanks. Um... bye. [Hangs up.]

5 comments:

Sarah said...

The best part is that it doesn't even say "underneath" but "Under Neat". You are so Under Neat Suzanne! Best Wishes!

Matt Hooban said...

No, the best part is the hilarious imaginary dialogue I wrote afterwards. It has nothing to do with Suzanne or the Neat under which we will miss her. What the hell are you talking about?

Sarah said...

And the dialogue was funny too...

Pete said...

Does Minnesota at least get any credit for electing Paul Wellstone (this before he was killed by a terrible pilot in a fiery plane crash)?

Matt Hooban said...

Of course they do. I'm a fair guy. It's just that it didn't seem to play as well in the scope of this story to emphasize their moderate tendencies, or the fact that they have occasionally made sensible electoral decisions.

Mondale '84!