Okay, first imagine a very realistic scenario. (If it helps, picture a sign in the background that says, "VERY REALISTIC SCENARIO," or "THIS IS A VERY REALISTIC SCENARIO," or something like that. Use your imagination. Quit stealing mine.)
GUY: You are like a hot and crusty bagel, only not crusty.The truly sad part is that it works. I have seen it happen. It is not pretty. It is also not hot, nor is it crusty, though I think the potential is there for it to be both. But whatever weird process is responsible for crustal formation, I really don't want to see it.
GIRL: (feels heart melt like butter on a hot and crusty bagel, leaps into guy's arms and starts violently humping him in the middle of a crowd of morning commuters.)
The hot and crusty angle replaces the previous best pickup line EVER, which was, "you're as sexy as the ocean, and thank god you're not as salty because that would really screw with my high blood pressure," for what should be obvious reasons. You can't go around lying to women, especially when it comes to their own salt content and its competitiveness with the ocean. They're going to find out sooner or later, and they're probably going to blame you. Also, if you really do have hypertension (you know who you are), you're going to be completely screwed when you find out how wrong you were.
Trust me, it's not pretty. It'll make you long for the days when your biggest worry was heat and crustiness.
Men, women, small cartoon dogs, you can all thank me later. Remember, I could totally have kept this to myself and scored all the hot and crusty ladies in Manhattan, only not the crusty ones.
