Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Smells like teen spirit... or is that bacon?

No, it's bacon. For sure, it's bacon.

Apologies for the delay in posting. Things have been heating up around the old Cannery lately. Dole Fruit is gearing up for picnic season, everybuzzy, and the new product catalog has everybuzzy around here buzzing with excitement, like we were all made of buzzers or something. It's very loud and annoying. Especially Rebecca Goodman, our token Jew. She is very loud and annoying. Sorry - you probably couldn't hear that over HOW LOUD SHE'S BEING ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. REBECCA GOODMAN, OUR TOKEN JEW, IS VERY LOUD AND ANNOYING!

Speaking of Jews and the Dole New Products catalog for Spring 2008, I'm disappointed to say that management rejected all of my ideas regarding bacon. Typical corporate myopia, if you ask me. Personally, I think bacon-wrapped cherries, which was just one of my many suggestions, is an idea just waiting to pop.

It frustrates me to no end that those Dole Fruit corporate fatcats are too busy making contributions to the Libertarian Party and the United Way to get serious about product development! I have written letters and emails and made threatening phone calls to their home numbers trying to get bacon on the senior management committee's agenda for months now. But instead they spend their time debating so-called "important" questions, like, "how can we incorporate more recyclable materials into our cans?" or "how can we make our fruit safer for children?" or "how can we save more orphans and baby seals?" or "who let the dogs out?"

What a load of bureaucratic bullcrap. Woof, woof, woof.

Don't these people recognize that bacon is the culmination of human ingenuity? Sure, there are those who would say, "no, no, Smokey, it's not bacon! The culmination of human ingenuity was the Eiffel Tower!" But those people are from the 19th century, and they all live in France, which makes their opinion, along with their body odor, completely suspect. Others would say, "move over, Bacon! Here come something more Windows 95-ey!" At least those people have a compelling argument. Who can forget that glorious November day when Windows 95 hit store shelves across America, and all the world united in song as their dialup modems connected to the "Internet" at 9600 Baud.

An undoubtedly monumental achievement, but does that really compare to bacon? I mean, this is BACON we're talking about here, everybuzzy! EVEN YOU, REBECCA GOODMAN WHO JUST WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S GRADES IN MATH AND SPELLING, AS IF ANYONE CARES!

I think my love affair with bacon is as well documented as a love affair between a virtually anonymous bloggerist and an inanimate pork product can be. But if I had any lingering doubts about the formidable powers of bacon, they were all washed away when I saw this:

That's right, it's a bra. Made of bacon. What else can you say? Is there anything this Ba-CAN Ba-CAN'T do?

Dear Jesus,

Thanks a million for inventing the bacon bra, Dude. Too bad You can't eat it because You're Jewish, like REBECCA GOODMAN WHO REALLY OUGHT TO JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. IT'S TWO A-MINUSES, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PULITZER PRIZE IN SPELLING!

Thanks a million more,

P.S. Please silence Rebecca Goodman, one of Your chosen people.

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