Friday, April 18, 2008

Call the Earth Day Army! Number One... Against Pets!

Well, the Earth Day Celebration on Vanderbilt Avenue has come and gone, folks, just in case you missed it. And judging by the crowd, you did. Never fear, though. Your old pal Smokey "The Bare" Robinson was there to pick up all the juicy tidbits that you didn't pick up, despite their juiciness and their other tidbit-ish qualities.

No one does Earth Day like New York, a city so obsessed with environmentality (I just made that word up right now!) that the top of the Empire State Building will be lit green on April 22nd, in honor of this, um, "holiday." Sure, some might argue that a more appropriate celebration of Earth Day would be to turn the Empire State Building's lights off, but those are probably the same people who would argue that a concert celebrating Earth Day should feature an all acoustic and a cappella lineup with natural lighting and clothes made out of hemp. We have a word for those people in New York. It's called "fucking idiot hippies." This is how we celebrate Earth Day, you fucking idiot hippies:

Just look at the environmentality on display: those are ACOUSTIC GUITARS plugged into the hundreds of megawatts worth of amps.

Here's some more good news for you, New York:

That's right, your carbon footprint is about 1/4 of the national average. This bus drove all the way here with no passengers just to let you know that. I'm not convinced though, because sometimes, it's like there's only one set of carbon footprints, and I heard that's when Jesus was carrying me.

Nothing says Earth Day like fish conservation, and nothing says fish conservation like a sign hanging between two plastic, inflatable bluefish that will one day be deflated and wash out to sea, where they will probably drown a penguin. Ask, and the Vanderbilt Avenue Earth Day festival will provide, apparently:

Those poor suckers at the table think they're signing up for a free sushi dinner. Little do they know, plastic sushi is the WORST. Plastic sushi is worse than the pineapple-and-mayonnaise sandwiches on Styrofoam bread they were giving out at the Greenpeace booth (not pictured).

And speaking of plastic, there was this "guy":

"He" stood on the corner of Vanderbilt and 42nd, making Earth Day balloon hats out of 100 percent recycled condoms, which "he" inflated with a pocket inflater contraption of some kind (not pictured). You can see "him" giving me a wry and resentful look for daring to capture "him" in action, even though this blog is probably 13 minutes out of "his" entire lifetime allotment of fame, and it's ending in just one more sentence. So committed was "he" to the cause of environmentality (totally trademarking that, so back off) that all the money "he" accepted was green, except for those weird new purple $5 bills.

Of course, no Earth Day would be complete without a gay ferret in weird, vaguely futuristic looking ski-shoes.

Thank Zod he was there. Now I'm ready to recycle some paper and buy tuna that is inflatable plastic bluefish-free.

Oh, and this is Sarah with a coyote, and fucking idiot hippie in the background who is evidently more afraid of a guy taking pictures with his iPhone than he is that there is a SIX-FOOT COYOTE WALKING AROUND MIDTOWN WEARING A "COYOTE ATTITUDE" T-SHIRT BECAUSE HE HAS SOME SORT OF ATTITUDE PROBLEM, AND A GUEST PASS TO DISTINGUISH HIM FROM THE OTHER COYOTES WHO COME OUT TO GATE-CRASH THE VANDERBILT AVENUE EARTH DAY PARTY EVERY YEAR.

The coyote eventually ate him, of course (not pictured). Coyotes love it when their prey is distracted. Fucking idiot hippie.

Happy Earth Day, everybuzzy! Go eat a hippie to celebrate, like our coyote masters have instructed us!

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