The Oscar '08 Keys to Victory: Being Green and Not Elite

The Oscar '08 campaign effort has been lying low lately, just waiting for fatal mistakes by the front runners in the Clinton campaign and the Obama campaign and the McCain campaign and the Nader campaign and the Gravel campaign and the John Kerry '04 campaign and the Hamburger Penis campaign and the Mickey Mouse campaign so that Oscar can sweep in and take full advantage.

As we say over at Oscar '08 headquarters, the name of the game is patience. All we need is just a little patience. I've been walking the streets at night, just trying to get it right. It's hard to see with so many around. You know I don't like being stuck in the crowd. We say that ALL THE TIME. Sometimes we whistle along too.

Oscar himself has been, well, grouchy, to be frank. It seems like being in last place really doesn't agree with him. Although, on April Fool's Day, we tried to lift his spirits by commissioning fake polls that showed him with 45 percent of the popular vote, and a commanding plurality over Obama, McCain, Clinton, Hamburger Penis, and all the others. But even before we told him it was a joke, Oscar was STILL GROUCHY.

He's kind of a jerk, if you must know. We're doing our level best to keep that from the media, but this guy, I swear, wakes up on the wrong side of the trash can EVERY SINGLE DAY. Please, immediately forget that I said that. Because this week has been great for Oscar '08.

All this "elite" and "elitism" talk plays right into our hands. Delta's Business Elite frequent flyer program notwithstanding, apparently people don't like "elite." So I ask you this, American public: what could be less elite than a candidate who lives in a [expletive deleted] trash can?

Also, let's not forget how green he is. Apart from Kermit the Frog, whom Oscar already beat in the 1996 Senate race in Oklahoma, there is no greener candidate out there. Even Al "Look at me, I'm an environmentalist now" Gore is more red than he is green, that stupid communist.

I mean, that stupid ELITE communist! Now, nobody will vote for him!

Oscar is so green, he refers to the Jolly Green Giant as the Jolly Same Color as Me Giant. Oscar is so green that his middle name could totally be "Envy", if it weren't already "The." Oscar is so green that he shits emeralds! (Please don't tell anyone about the emerald shit, though, because it might be a serious medical condition - we're not sure yet, and we can't get his grouchy ass to a doctor). This is how green Oscar is:

This image used without permission. Sorry, whoever owns this image!

And this is how NOT ELITE he is:

This image also used without permission. But what could be less elite than posing for a picture with the superimposed head of Britney Spears, which probably still carries a pretty hefty risk of exposure to herpes? Quick, check out that filthy tuxedo before the cease and desist letter gets here!

Patience pays dividends, people. [Insert additional Guns 'N' Roses lyrics here.] America, once again, YOU ARE WELCOME.