Friday, December 14, 2007

Proposed Rules for Santa's Village, by the Parents of the South Meadow Drive Development Association in Naperville, Illinois

1. Only the children whose families are residents of South Meadow Drive Development Association will be allowed into Santa's Village.

2. Children under the age of 12 must be accompanied to Santa's Village by an adult.

3. Parents should furnish Santa's Village with a list of pre-approved gifts for their children, in order to better manage the children's expectations.

4. The children who participated in last year's "Satan's Village" prank will not be admitted to Santa's Village.

5. The parents of the children involved in the "Satan's Village" prank shall not be treated like social outcasts by the other parents just because their children act up a little bit.

6. No rules governing Santa's Village shall be written by the parents of the "Satan's Village" hooligans, because Santa's Village is intended for the normal children of South Meadow Drive Development Association only.

7. The parents of the so-called "normal children" can take Santa's Village and stick it up their South Pole, euphemistically speaking.

8. No children shall be admitted to Santa's Village whose parents are making a mockery of the whole rule-writing procedure in the first place.

9. Yeah, that's fair, of course it is. Because Santa's Village is only for the children whose parents are so ignorant that they can’t acknowledge the reality that children have energy and like to sometimes pull innocent stunts.

10. No children shall be allowed into Santa’s Village whose parents think “innocent stunts” are what it’s called when we have to hold a special session of Sunday School to explain who Satan is, and why some people think defacing public property is funny.

11. No parents have the right to talk if all they do is hop their kids up on Ritalin to keep them calm instead of doing any real parenting.

12. No child shall be allowed into Santa's Village whose parents have such a warped idea of what constitutes “real parenting” that they have to spend their time criticizing other parents who give their children PRESCRIBED MEDICAL SUBSTANCES instead of noticing that their kids are the ones buying spray paint cans at the Ace Hardware store downtown.

13. First of all, I’M NOT THE ONE WHO SOLD THEM THE SPRAY PAINT. And second of all, any parent who wants to criticize the way another parent is raising his/her child can come over and SAY IT TO MY FACE and quit being such a chicken about it and hiding behind their ridiculous list of rules for SATAN'S VILLAGE.

14. Jewish children shall still be allowed to visit Santa's Village, since the holidays are for everyone and shouldn't be so exclusive.

15. What? Who wrote that?

16. No children shall be allowed into Santa's Village whose parents are jerks!!

17. Yeah, yeah, wait, though. Look at number 12 for a second.

18. What the hell is that about?

19. I have no idea.

20. I say we ban the Jews from Santa's Village. They don't celebrate Christmas anyway.

21. I know, right??

22. I'm Meredith Greenberg's mother, and I'd like to know what my child ever did to deserve being disallowed to Santa's Village, just because she wasn't born of a Christian womb.

23. Be quiet, Jew!

24. Oh, so now the SATAN'S VILLAGE thing is acceptable, just because a Jewish girl wants to go to Santa's Village?

25. Yes.

26. No Jewish children shall be allowed into Santa's Village.

(Except Meredith Greenberg's parents!)

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