Monday, December 03, 2007

Merry Christmas, Doc! Love, Marty

I used to swing by Doc Brown's house on my way to school in the mornings, hitching rides from unsuspecting strangers by grabbing onto the bumpers of their cars while riding my skateboard in a manner that would have given George and Lorraine fits. George and Lorraine are my parents. You might have heard of Dad - he's a noted science fiction author, all thanks to me. My mom is really no one of consequence. People tell me she looks like Caroline from Caroline in the City, but I don't see the resemblance. Anyway, they didn't know about the skateboarding. They also never knew the extent of my friendship with Doc - probably another conniption waiting to happen if they found out.

Doc's house was a cornucopia of offbeat scientific experiments and obscene amounts of clocks, a treasure trove for an intellectually curious scamp like myself who liked to play guitars and ogle girls' butts while my girlfriend was standing right next to me. Plus, and I say this without the slightest trace of exaggeration, Doc had the meanest amp in Hill Valley. The thing was heavy.

The thing about Doc, though, is that he is notoriously hard to shop for. If he wants something or needs something, he generally just invents it, leaving me at a loss for gift ideas when the holidays roll around. One year, I gave him a CD of my band, the Pinheads, rockin' out to a bunch of Chuck Berry-inspired jams that sounded remarkably like Huey Lewis songs, but he disassembled the plastic and used it as part of a hologram generator powered by his dog.

This year, I wanted to go above and beyond, in part because I still haven't properly apologized for breaking the aforementioned monster amp in October 1985 with a G-major chord, or for getting his Dolorian run over by a train. And knowing that he has a penchant for radioactive power, I think I may have found just the thing on Amazon.com. Check this out:

Uranium Ore




3.9 out of 5 stars 68 customer reviews (68 customer reviews)| More about this product





List Price: $24.95
Price: $22.95
You Save: $2.00 (8%)


Availability: In stock. Processing takes an additional 4 to 5 days for orders from this seller. Ships from and sold by Images SI Inc.

Product Features

We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.

Product Description

Radioactive sample of uranium ore. Useful for testing Geiger Counters. License exempt. Uranium ore sample sizes vary. Shipped in labeled metal container as shown. Shipping Information: We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52. Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific use only.

from http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM

If that doesn't just scream "holiday" at the top of its radioactive lung, I don't know what does. And at these prices, it sure beats shopping from dangerous terrorist Libyans with shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and VW buses.

I think I may have found the perfect gift.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

13 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

By Matthew C. Shaw -

After receiving my can o ore I just cant help but to think it could use a little cowbell.


And I aggree. Don't be cheap Marty. Spring for the newer, expensive stuff. This ore won't even burn a hole in your parent's carpet much less set fire to it.

Matt said...

267 of 291 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars
An adequate solution....,
November 30, 2007
By Chris Gladis "Chris" (Kyoto, JAPAN)

I have to admit, I've tried many different power sources for my orbiting satellite death beam, and nothing does it like good old U-238. If you've never held an entire nation hostage for your maniacal whims (I always ask for my ransom in kittens), then you haven't lived yet. And this can make it happen!

It's also a wonderful dessert topping. A little of this on your ice cream and the kids will just scream and scream and scream....

Pete said...

Does the low-grade plutonium generate the 1.21 jigawatts necessary to generate a spark between George and Lorraine at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance?