Another Deflated Gasbag

So Lou Dobbs quit, eh? Or did he really get pushed out so they could outsource his job to an illegal immigrant who will work for a much lower wage and no healthcare?

Ha ha ha, I totally have Dobbs's number.

I was originally inclined to buy the man a cupcake as my way of saying thank you for shutting the fuck up. But then I found something even more speshul.

Dear Lou Dobbs,

America is a better country with you not on television. On behalf of a grateful nation, please accept this can of Manhattan style fish assholes.

Love and kisses,
Smokey Robinson and the Funky Bunch

Not Our Year

It saddens me to no end to report that in yesterday's New York City mayoral election, it was Mike Bloomberg, and not the Muppets, who took Manhattan.


In fact, the Muppets didn't even come in second. That honor went to someone called "City Comptroller Bill Thompson," whose haircut led me to believe he was at least half-Muppet himself.

(Hey, psst! Am I the only one who thinks "Bill Thompson" sounds like a made up name? How generic can you get? Bill Thompson? It might as well have been Jack Smith or Bob Mitchell or Bill Thompson or something. Bill Thompson is like the kind of name you used to check into a hotel when you don't want the federales or that nosey wife of yours to find out where you're staying. What are you hiding, Bill Thompson, if that fake-sounding name IS your real name?)

Anyway, Bill Thompson lost, and now he has to go back to the same job he had before, and probably have lunch at the same stupid cafe downstairs in the lobby of the same dumb, boring building, which is almost as frowny face as the Muppets NOT taking Manhattan, as I was led to believe they would.

The New York times says Mayor Bloomberg no longer seems invincible, and I agree that he does look pretty vincible, which is what makes the Muppets' failure to take Manhattan all the more heartbreaking. This is like reliving the failed Oscar the Grouch '08 campaign all over again. Only this time, with 30-35 percent more tears.

What else would this possibly be used for anyway?

Well, obviously.

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Happy Half a Nursery, everybuzzy!

This little blog of mine turned a year old last week - thanks for all the cards and well wishes and comments and attention, by the way - and I decided to celebrate by taking almost an entire week off to watch Arrested Development, to cash out the Bear Stearns stock I bought last year for 166 bucks a share, to take some vitamins so that I can live to the ripe old age of 256 (the blog will be 226 by then!), and to devour two entire boxes of Thin Mints singlehandedly.

It's been quite a year - some of it up, some of it down, some of it inexplicably zigzagging from the upper left to the lower right corner, some of it horizontal on a couch in my underwear with a box of Thin Mints, some of it staticky like when you tune your TV to channel 122 accidentally, assuming that you don't have digital cable where channel 122 is a fantastic and worthwhile bastion of quality programming, like Country Music Television or the Golf Classics Channel.

I have lots of memories from my year as a bloggerist that I just know I'm going to cherish forever. For example, I remember going to the bathroom at least eight times. And there was something about China. Also, yesterday morning, I commented on the fact that there were the makings of a great joke about bestiality in the phrase "put the cock in Cocker Spaniel," although I didn't actually come up with the joke. And let's not forget all those Thin Mints.

I suppose, if I'm being technical, the "cock in the Cocker Spaniel" non-joke was just beyond the borders of the year in question. It sort of counts more toward next year's anniversary. And truth be told, most of the Thin-Mint eating occurred after the anniversary deadline as well. I have now, on several occasions, had to resort to flossing to remove the excess bits of chocolaty, minty goodness from my molars and the back of my gums, simply so that I could go on smiling at my half-formed jokes about bestiality without humiliating myself. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be walking through the streets of Manhattan laughing about bestiality with chocolate in between your teeth?

I'm pretty sure there are all the ingredients for a joke about a shit-eating grin right there. For FREE! You can thank me later.

Apart from the "cock in the Cocker Spaniel" thing and the Thin Mints (and now the shit-eating grin non-joke too), all the trips to the bathroom, the vague thing about China, and endless cans of fruit, I don't really remember that much about the year I've been writing this. Of course, that could be the Thin Mints talking. I wonder about those things. Can Thin Mints really be trusted? Could there be some connection between the two boxes of Thin Mints and only remembering jokes about dog sex and poop-eating?

Which reminds me, my stepfather's birthday is coming up. I wonder what I should get him?

I guess it would be appropriate to wrap up this post with a look back at the past year of my bloggerization, as told in Thin Mints.

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON NOT READING THIS BLOG: THE YEAR IN REVIEW...

This is me, after my first post on the new blog, March 12, 2007. Just look at that shit-eating grin on my face!

Me, leafing through my file of letters to Jesus. Look at that outrage! Look at me shake my fist in defiance of the Golden Rule! (Just kidding, JC, I totally believe in You! Hi to Your Dad!)

One of my favorites - the time Alex Rodriguez, Pervez Musharraf and I were eating mixed cones on a bench in Battery Park. Look at the rivulet of vanilla running down the corner of Pervez's mustache! What a goof!

This is me, Ronny Balboa (yes, that's his real name), and Rex "The Supervisor" Hymen at Halloween '07. You can't even tell it's us, can you? We were plunged into an existential quandary about the through line of our own existence for DAYS afterward!!


Me and Sarah watching George Bush's State of the Union address in January. (I'm the one with the popcorn and the Aqua Pod of water, Sarah is the one flipping off the television set, as if he could see her.)

Here's to another successful, chocolaty, minty year!