Why I'm Boycotting the Beijing Olympics

I read this morning that Joey Cheek, the former Olympic speedskater, had his visa revoked by the Chinese government, meaning that he won't be able to go through with his planned demonstration to urge China to help establish peace in Darfur.

News flash for any activists out there: next time you have a chance to protest in China, DON'T TELL THEM IN ADVANCE. Just show up like you're any other world famous speedskater, disappear into a phone booth, and pop out with a big sign that says

Dear China,

I want you to make peace in Darfur.

With affection,
Joey Cheek.

It also helps if you're not as high-profile as former Olympic speedskater Joey Cheek, the man who once held entire nations in thrall with his former Olympic speedskating prowess. (Though he's less well known for it, Joey Cheek is also famous for his barbecue sauce, which he claims is his grandmother's recipe. Tastes a lot like KC Masterpiece to me though...)

Joey Cheek is not a guy who can sneak around, not even in a country as big as China. Someone is going to spot him on a street corner somewhere, and there's going to be a full-scale Joey Cheek riot once that happens, and that could seriously fuck with your Darfur peace protest mojo if you're even a little bit unlucky.

Still, I'm just saying. If you want to "get your protest on" during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, you should think long and hard* about what you write in the "Reason for Visit" box on your visa applications.

Personally, I think you're much better off saying you're coming to China just to see the sights, then springing a surprise protest on them after you get there. From everything I've read, the Chinese authorities just LOVE surprises. Especially protest-flavored ones!

But the Sino-Cheek conflict is not the reason I'm boycotting the Olympics this year. I'm boycotting the Olympics for the following two reasons:

1. There's no hot dog eating contest.
2. THERE'S NO FREAKING HOT DOG EATING CONTEST!!!!!!!

It's a total outrage! It's a travesty! Give me one good reason why that dude who wins the Nathan's contest every July 4th doesn't deserve to be an Olympian.

See? You can't. Because he totally deserves it. He deserves it at least as much as Joey Cheek deserves the medals of some color that he won back when he was a current Olympic speedskater, if not more.

I think this calls for a protest. First stop: the nearest Pearl art supply store for oak tag and magic markers. Second stop: China.

*that is so totally what she said...