But where will I turn for answers now?...

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January 17, 2007

VIA OVERNIGHT MAIL
The Astrological Magazine
13 1/2 Condict Street
New Brunswick, New Jersey 08901

Re: Adequate notice of termination of service

Dear The Ass-trological Magazine (tee hee):

I write to you today in response to your letter of December 22, 2007, wherein you assert that we have, in some fashion, been negligent in our responsibility to provide you adequate notice of the termination of our services, in accordance with our contract dated May 4, 1936, as revised and amended December 22, 1998.

We respectfully point out that we fail to see an actionable issue under any common or natural law, up to and including the US Constitution which, as you may or may not be aware, has no actual jurisdiction in this matter. (Frankly, citing the First and Fourth Amendments left our legal department scratching their magnetic north poles.)

We would also like to refer you the following phenomena:

- Pluto conjunct with the rotational center of the Galaxy (December 2006)
- The full moon at 20 degrees in Sagittarius (June 2006)
- The moon in Taurus, Saturn conjunct Mars in Leo, and Jupiter in Scorpio, all less than 2 degrees of exactness from each other (Summer Solstice, 2006)

As you well know, the aforementioned events are harbingers of change and indicators of rigidity and difficulty with respect to negotiations, particularly in the field of astrological publishing (not to mention clear signs that Carol Channing needed a diaper change). However, when it seemed that you were resolute in your refusal to acknowledge said events, we arranged for Mercury to be in retrograde for an extended period of time during mid-2007. And, as if we hadn't been generous enough already, we even sent comet 17P (Holmes) into major outburst only months before your service was canceled!

There was also this item, as foretold by Ray Setti at AstrologerWeekly.com during Mercury's extended stay in retrograde:

"Watch carefully how the stationing of Mercury at these degrees influences your natal chart in order to understand the personalized impact on your life. Also, if you are affiliated with The Astrological Magazine, this would be a good time to jump ship, as the publication will cease abruptly in December of this year."

Therefore, while we respect your position and understand your grief, we feel that the points above are ample illustration of the baselessness of your claim against us, and we reject your reference to "unforeseen circumstances beyond [y]our control" as you have indicated on your website. (Yes, we have Internet access up here.) Better luck next time, I guess.

The foregoing is without prejudice to all rights, remedies, and defenses, all of which are expressly preserved.

Respectfully,
The Stars and Planets Whose Various Gravitational Forces and Orbital Eccentricities Govern the Lives of People Down There on Puny, Egocentric Earth

cc: Milky Way Galaxy Legal Affairs office
Alan Dershowitz, Esq.