You're gonna get yours too, reruns of Who's the Boss?

There are three things about me that everyone who knows me already knows: 1) like everyone else, I breathe air and drink water; 2) unlike everyone else, I do not put my pants on one leg at a time; and 3) I have a deep mistrust of American daytime television programming, especially, but not exclusively, public television.

Seriously, take one look at Mr. Rogers sexy hair stylings and tell me the man didn't have some kind of freakish agenda. He wanted your children*! He would stop at nothing to get them*! All his songs and puppets and sweaters were part of an elaborate plan to reprogram them*!

*(to be better people when they grow up)

Network daytime programming is no better. Live with Regis and Kathie Lee/Kelly is obviously a not-so-subtle play on the term "Life with Regis and Kathie Lee/Kelly," as in "life sentence," as in being forced to watch these people drone on endlessly, day after day, about fruit and manicures and diarrhea or whatever it is they talk about. (I've never actually seen more than six minutes of an episode.)

So I was gratified to find out that Michelle Obama repaid some of the horror inflicted on the American public by daytime television, by going on The View yesterday and holding those five women - and a guest or two - hostage. Just look at her terrorizing those "women" with her frightening fists of feminine fury:


Bully for you, Michelle. No one likes you anyway, so why not just terrorist fist jab them into submission? Bravo.

You're next, Big Bird, you pretentious fuck.

Note: the foregoing commentary on daytime television is presented without inclusion of Oscar the Grouch, who may be the lone trustworthy voice gracing the American airwaves during regular business hours. Also, Big Bird, please bear in mind that threats made against presidential candidates are investigated by the Secret Service pending felony charges. Stick that in your big, yellow beak and light yourself on fire.

World, meet Lex Dabrowski

From Scotsman.com:

I don't need to know how a 14-year-old boy managed to amass enough technical know-how to monkey with a city transit system. I'm not curious what his parents do that he apparently had enough spare parts lying around the house to build his device into a remote control. I kind of wonder which buttons he pressed for which specific functions though, but that's only because I'm kind of a geek about electronics.

No, what worries me about this story is this:

"Dabrowski is to face charges of endangering public safety in a special juvenile court."

Um, hello? Doesn't anyone in Poland read comic books? [Insert clever Polish comic book joke that is mutually insulting to both comic books and Poland, but that I am too lazy to come up with, here.] This is like the origin story of every bad seed that goes on to antagonize Batman or Spiderman, or any of the other various Jewish superheroes in the world. But since I don't read comic books either, my question is this:

What will Adam Dabrowski change his name to when he becomes an arch-criminal? Button Man? The Remote-ster? Control Freak? The Whizzinator?

Suggestions welcome. Anything worthwhile, I will take credit for on my application to become one of his henchmen, which I plan on filing any day now.