The Goings-On at Fox News

Remember the good ol' daze, when men were men, women were women, and Fox News's coverage of ill-attended, pro-conservative-agenda protest rallies was always, um... how do you say in English... padded with footage from other protests to make the rallies look more bigger?

I miss those times. Those were the best times of all the times.

But apparently, the era of protest-padding is over. Observe:

Come on, Fox News! You're blaming the weather? Whatsa matter, did your testicles call out sick today? Why don't you just man up, or grow a pair, or whatever it is that you ordinarily do before you insert falsehoods and embellishments into your protest coverage?

Get with the program over there, peeple. We're not tuning into your channel to watch footage of a sad group of morons who skipped a day of work so they could huddle in the rain and tell everyone else how to live their lives! We're tuning in for... um... okay, gimme a second, it'll come to me...

The Re-Return of Smokey Robinson

Ah, spring. The season of life renewing. Or, if you work in the Canning Operations division at the Dole Fruit Plant (still unaffiliated with Dole Foods, Inc.), the season when Rebecca "The Token Jew" Goldman starts bragging about how good her son is at Tee Ball, which is pretty much the most complicated sport of all of the sports. I'm guessing that's why she named him Tiger Woods Goldman.

I bet she regrets that now, though.

Personally, I've never been a big fan of spring myself. I don't go to work every day in a massive, eleven-story underground fruit canning complex because I'm the outdoors-E-type. (If you're curious, I go to work every day in a massive, eleven-story underground fruit canning complex because I'm under contract to go to work every day in a massive, eleven-story underground fruit canning complex. And also, because sometimes there's free pie. Although, come to think of it, it's not very often. In fact, I think it's been about three years since the last time we had free pie, but there's still one or two slices left that look almost as fresh as they day the pie arrived in the break room.)

But I'll tell you what I am a fan of: turtles eating mushrooms.

Oops, wait. That's a tortoise. My bad.

Welcome back to the internets, everybuzzy.