Hi, everybuzzy. Please forgive the unpleasant greeting, but I'm so mad I could eat Pop Rocks and not share them. Jesus isn't returning my emails these days.
And I think I know exactly who is to blame for that.
No, not Barack Obama. For once, this appears to have nothing to do with Him.
But it DOES have something to do with one of Barack Obama's brothers, and I mean that in the sense of how black people call other black people their brothers, because they were all born in the same village in Kenya and have forged Hawaiian birth certificates just so they can be president, because as we all know, being president is such a low-stress gig and so easy to get that what African citizen WOULDN'T want a job like that?
Anywhoop, the great "Jesus's Email Silence of 2009" is the fault of another Obama: Eldrick "Tiger Woods" Obama.
I understand that Tiger's "transgressions" are morally reprehensible to the upright and unimpeachable paparazzi stalkers and tabloid journalists who can't stop covering this story, and that no one else in the country has ever cheated on someone they were married to or tried to flee a golf-club-wielding former bikini model while they were hopped up on painkillers at 2:30 in the morning. But does it really mean that every professional golfer and/or Son of Man has to suddenly and without warning abruptly cease communication with his or His mistress(es)?
How is that remotely fair?
It feels a lot like when you're speeding down your local parkway and you happen upon some miscreant in a '98 Nissan who just got pulled over by a quota-hunting state trooper, and then all of a sudden traffic slows down for about a quarter mile. But the officer has virtually every single one of his faculties occupied by the scalawag in the Sentra! That is the quarter mile in which to live it up!
Speed all you want! Drive drunk! Suspend habeas corpus! Start an illegal war! Wiretap your fellow Americans! Ban stem cell research! THE COP IS BUSY! GO NUTS!
All the gossip sites have all their microscopes and telescopes and garbage picking operations and forensic fabrication artists squarely pointed at Tiger Woods Obama right now, which means there simply isn't the time or manpower for them to cover another celebrity scandal or a budding romance between, say, a random Messiah and an aged Motown star masquerading as a bloggerizer/Fruit Plant employee. It's simple mathemagicians!
And here's some more good advice, courtesy of Accenture:
Ha ha ha, you know what ELSE isn't always paved? The patch of the Nevada desert where I'm going to take Jesus and bury His (Sweet) Ass if he doesn't start answering my Himdamned emails. I don't expect Him to stay buried for more than three days (he has a pretty well-documented pattern), but I still have to try to get through to that Bastard somehow. I WILL NOT BE JILTED BY JESUS*!
Translation: quit being such a Youdamned Goody-Goody, Jesus. The "morality cops" are looking the other way.
More importantly, this motel room is expensive, this negligee is itchy, and this champagne isn't going to drink itself.
Answer my emails. And don't go pretending You didn't get them either - I know that Youdamned iPhone of Yours is on all the time.
*Actually, that statement might be factually inaccurate. It seems quite likely that I, like all the Jews in Christendom will, in fact, be jilted by Jesus.