Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Will Wieners Ever Taste the Same?

It's a sad time to be in America, everybuzzy. Not because of the unexpected demise of 50-years young Michael Jetson, which was sad and all, but not nearly at this level. Do you, America, realize who ELSE just died last week? Do you? I'll give you a hint: he had a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Oscar G. Mayer, Jr. is gone. No joke. Fucking Oscar Mayer fucking DIED! Now he's with Tupac too!
Dear People Who Are Famous Enough to Have Wikipedia Pages,

STOP FLEEING US TO BE WITH TUPAC. We need you here, or else there's no need to have wikipedia in the first place.

Make with the not dying. Good. Now just keep that up.

Still breathing,
I know I run the risk of blowing this Oscar Mayer thing way, way, wa-hay-haaaaay out of proportion. Thank Zod it's the first time in my life I have ever done that. But seriously, my facebag status = "mourning", everybuzzy! And your facebag status should = "mourning" too, for who among us can claim not to have been touched by this great man's meat? Why, for generations, Americans from sea to shining sea, young and old alike, have gladly and gratefully been raised with this man's wiener between their buns. The next time someone even mentions the word "United Nations," I just know it's gonna make me think of that wonderful man and the thin, fleshy tubes that were so amazing to have in my mouth. Especially covered in mustard.

But now he's dead, and I for one think this is one of those occasions where you probably want an open casket funeral, just so we're all very clear on what becomes of the body.

Rest in peace, Wiener Man.

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