Saturday, September 06, 2008

A Public Service Announcement

Hey, all you Catholics! You've been taking communion every Sunday since you were eight years old, but did you ever stop to consider how fattening your host wafers are? Because it turns out they're made with (gasp of horror) Crisco™!

(Actually, the gasp of horror comes now. The last one should have been a "wait for it, wait for it..." My bad.)

This is according to the website, which, I must admit, is the cleverest fucking name I can think of. Say it out loud if you don't get it. Now say it without the "dot" in "dot com." See? Genius.

What's not so genius is this ingredient list:

"Unleavened recipe," eh? Sounds like they're going after the Jewish Catholics to me. And how about that recipe, huh? "Flour, water, and vegetable shortening" - it doesn't quite set your toes a-tapping, now does it? How is this recipe going to get on the radar of any of the personalities from the Food Network? We're talking 6-second prep time, max.

The real tragedy is the tremendous marketing opportunity that everyone from Nabisco to the Vatican is missing out on. Think about the ornamental crucifix industry. People spend BILLIONS on those things every year! If they'll bring the cash for jewelry, just think of the possibilities for a snack food deal. Or don't, since I already did it for you.

Endless possibilities (Cinnamon Jeez-It? Hello?) and a built-in market. It's a surefire winner. Boo-ya.

Dear Jesus and Nabisco,

You're welcome (again!). Send checks to [redacted].

Love and weight gain,

1 comment:

Pete said...

Who knew Jesus was such a fattie?

Maybe Shamu is the second coming.