Thursday, May 07, 2009

My Immortality

I have literarily just been given a golden opportunity to realize my potential and become world famous for something. I am going to the be the author of the One Millionth (1,000,000th) Word Ever in the English Language Ever, of All Time. In fact, thanks to some creativity, and a secret which I will now reveal to the world - on the condition that you all promise not to plagiarize my idea in any language or in any country of the world, from now until the end of time, come what may, E Pluribus Unum, amen - I am technically already the writer of the One Millionth Word Ever in the English Language Ever, of All Time.

Here's the scam, everybuzzy:

First, you has to read this article here.

Then you has to reed the millionth word, which is [insert MILLIONTH WORD here, probably "noob" at this point], and will appear also in a post which, thanks to the magic of the internet, I have scheduled to be published at precisely 10:22 AM on June the 10th.

Then, you has to look at the date 'n' time of the blog post published on 10:22 AM on June the 10th (hint: it will be 10:22 AM on June the 10th) and compare it to the date and time in the article I referenced above. Go on, be resourceful. And pay no attention to the fact that this article was actually written on May 7, 2009 at 6:17 PM. Or actually, pay all the attention that you want. Because it is now recorded for posterity, thanks to the swell folks at (hi, guys!), and I therefore must be right. Because the internet - and in particular - never lie.

Seriously, guys, this is like if someone told you the date and time you could get away with robbing a bank, only there's no money in it, and also it's much, much, much, much more nerdy than that. But whatever. I thought of it, and you didn't. And I didn't even need to spin the Frozen Donkey Wheel or leave the Island!

So there, Alfred Feinstein, or whatever yer name was. Stick that in your General Theory of Relativity and smoke it. And don't forget to tell all the other people in Hell that Smokey sez wassuuuuup!

By the way, if you do plagiarize my idea and scoop me as the million-word-writer, I will still be the guy who brought you The Idea to Become Famous on the Internet by Writing the Millionth Word in the English Language. And you, Mister or Miss Poopyhead who stole my idea, can go kiss your own poopy head. Also, I will write your obituary on, and date it for JUNE 11, and then I will be famous (and possibly wanted) for being suspiciously, precognitively aware of the death of a complete Poopyhead stranger.

Also by the way, there are still 544 words to be accepted into the language before the Millionth, so if we work really hard and our timing is impeccable, and we can somehow choreograph a 25,000-person simultaneous media posting, we can all get together to make the Millionth something unexpected, like "blorkenheim," which so far appears nowhere on the Internet or in the media. Except here, I guess. So make that a 24,999-person effort. And I don't want or need to get all preachy on y'all, but you know, the One Millionth Whatever could totally be "blorkenheim" (24,998!) if enough people believe in themselves. You would man up if I were Colbert, and you goddamn well know it.

Blorkenheim! 24,997!


Jim Hooban said...

Noob. I couldn't think where else to put this comment or the 1 millionth word. Did you mean 1 trillionth or 1 decidillionth?

Not Jim Hooban said...

By the by, just for phun, Go Red Sox! This probably won't last long, though.