What the Ultra-Fast Reaction Time of Our President Is Actually Telling You

I was going to talk today about the hairstyle that has become the new object of my desire, and particularly the stiltwalker from the ABC circus who wears said coiffure. We'll come back to that later. Because in the words of The Brady Bunch Movie, something suddenly came up. Namely this:

I have to take a break from laughing for a minute to compliment the gentleman on his aim. That is precision! I have plenty of experience hurling projectiles toward people (usually volleyballs toward the bare-chested assholes from rival New York City fruit production companies... watch the f**k out, Chiquita...), but given my limited practice time throwing shoes (I have actually thrown shoes three times in my life), I don't think I could guarantee that the direction of my missiles would be quite this true.

Nice work, dude! I hope you enjoy the beating.

But I reserve my highest praise for Mr. President himself -- not because he kept his cool and somehow managed to act with less rashness than the invasion in the first place, but because he managed to dodge not one, but both shoes! You normally only see him employ that kind of dexterity fending off uncomfortable questions from reporters about his motivation and decision-making, or evading military service, or ignoring the wants and needs of his fellow Americans.

That is impressive, sir.

It has made me wonder if perhaps there is more to this hobbit than meets the eye, and by hobbit, I mean monkey-faced politician. Those reflexes can't be easy to come by. Does he maybe know karate or judo, or some other martial art? Does he fight crime during the ten hours a night in which he claims to be sleeping? Is it like a Jekyll and Hyde thing, where he is fated to forever be possessed of two rival personalities - by night, a behind-the-scenes doer of good works, valiant and of unimpeachable character; and by day, a improbably daft world leader of totally impeachable character?

Maybe that memoir won't be so hard to sell after all, eh there, Mr. Prez? YOU'RE WELCOME FOR SAVING YOUR REPUTATION. You can owe me one later.