Monday, October 29, 2007

Me and A-Rod: Two Peas in an A-Pod.

It's painfully obvious to the world when a bloggerist (a title which I just made up) such as myself takes off for several months at a time, because bloggerism is at heart a results-oriented machine of commerce, business, and rampant insecurity. Less obvious, though, is when a Major League Baseball player such as Alex Rodriguez takes off for several months at a time. Especially when said Major League Baseball player (hereinafter referred to as "A-Rod", a title which I also just made up) is piling up season statistics like season statistics are slippery, fleeting, eel-like things that might get away from him if he doesn't pile them up like slippery, fleeting eels.

I hope that makes sense to you, my dear, sweet readers. And speaking of my dear, sweet readers, how are you all doing? All both of you? I feel like I spend so much time on this blog focusing on me, which has become a little bit cumbersome lately. Which is very much the bringing of me to my point here, which is about the whole taking months off at a time thingy.

Moving right along.

Baseball, unlike bloggerism, is not a results oriented game, and here's how you can tell the difference: While I was languishing for months on end without a fresh idea, it was obvious to me that Mr. Rod was in a similar emotional fetal position about how his summer was going. But he still managed to whallop 54 home runs, while I used my emotional fetal position as a model for the real-life fetal position in which I spent my summer and, so far, my fall.

It has less to do with the Red Sux winning the Whirled Series yesterday, and more to do with Britney Spears losing custody of her boys. No kidding, it has really upset me. And to a lesser extent, it has REALLY upset A-Rod too.

I think he made the right decision in opting out of his Yankee contract, because these last four years in the Bronx have been really tumultuous for both him and Britney. Remember that whole head-shaving thing, and the unwitting glimpses she gave the media of her hoo-ha? Is there any further need to wonder why A-Rod slumped to a sub-.300 average and only 36 home runs last year? I think these last couple of spins around the sun have been trying for all of us.

So even though he's walking out of New York with two MVP awards, and a season's worth of Yankee fans taunting him with chants of "M-V-P," and "We Love A-Rod," and "in A-Rod we trust," and "hey, Alex, show us your tits," I think maybe we all owe him the benefit of the doubt. It's been a rough four years. Don't let the eye-popping statistics fool you. Britney has managed to secure visitation rights to the boys, so we can probably all move safely on with our lives. But I think a change of scenery is in order.

So I'm announcing here, today, right now, on this blog that you are the only person not reading, that I am opting out of my contract with Dole Fruit, and relocating to Mackinac Island, Michigan. See you all on bicycles.

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